May the Fourth be with us

So... for those of you that don't know my husband, Chris is a HUGE Star Wars fan. So when he found out that our beta (bloodowork to confirm pregnancy) would be on May 4th, he flipped. He made me swear on my life not to test before the 4th because he wanted to find out then. This tww (two week wait) was terrible.  I felt bloated, my boobs hurt so bad I would cry every time I took my bra off, was cramping, cried everyday for some reason or another and just felt gross!! Nevermind the countless times I googled symptoms... but it's literally impossible to tell as all the symptoms I was experiencing could be from all the hormones I had put in my body throughout the month, or I could be pregnant.

I kept my promise and didn't test!! Finally the 4th arrived.  I got to the office at 7:15 so I could be the first one through the door when it opened at 7:30, which would have been great if the office didn't open at 8:30 on Thursdays!!!! Yep... I sat in my car outside the office like a crazy person for over an hour.. to be fair I somehow never had an appointment there on Thursdays and thats the only day they open late.

I finally ran through the door and none of the staff could believe I didn't cheat and test at all!! I gave my blood and did my best to go on about my day.  I worked with my students and made it through my day without a phone call or passing out...

On the ride home the phone rang... it didn't work.. I couldn't believe it or breathe.  I drove home in tears until I finally had to pull over to take some deep breathes.  I had never felt pain like that before, it wasn't until then that I realized how much I believed it had work in my heart, although my brain told me over and over again that it probably wouldn't work.  I couldn't even call Chris... I wimped out and texted him, then got back on the road.  He called a few minutes later and listened to me cry the rest of my way home.

A short while later he came home, he told me he had called the doctors office and talked to them.  I couldn't believe he loved me that much and wanted a baby that much, that he called on his own to find out things I couldn't even attempt to ask.  He had set up an appointment for us to consult with the doctor now that we knew a little more and discuss the options in more detail and most importantly the prices of the options, as we knew our insurance wouldn't cover anything. There are no words to express how loved this made me feel.  He truly is my partner and wants this just as much as me.  I had read so many stories where women felt alone and I was and am truly grateful that I am not.  Chris is amazing and I wouldn't be able to do this without him by my side.

First Cycle 4/10/17

My period finally arrived.. I know bittersweet, so off we went to our first baseline appointment. This is were they do a transvaginal ultrasound to check out your ovaries.  They also take bloodwork to check your hormone levels.  Chris came with me, into the room and all, which we found out later is rare for husbands, but it was so much information I needed him with him to help me process it.  The doctor gave us the all clear to start our first medicated cycle.  We decided on the oral pills Fermara, the doctor said it was better than clomid, as it didn't thin your lining.  This was also the least expensive option. After I got dressed and we were about to leave, the nurse came running after us and said to come back they had another option for us. Totally confused we entered the room.  Turns out they had recently received a donation of injectable medicine from a patient who recently gave birth and wanted to help out another couple. The nurse and doctor explained that it was completely free and would really increase the chances as the medicine is much stronger.  We felt like it was a sign and we just had to go for it.

The new plan was to take the oral pill for a few days and then switch to the injectable for a couple days before ovulation to really "stim" my ovaries. I would come to the office several times a week for "monitoring", basically same as baseline to check the ovaries and bloodwork.  We started the Femara that night and continued for 5 nights, on the 5th night we began the injectables, called Follitism.  The shot was not nearly has horrible as I imagined.  Chris did all the prep work for me (loading the pen) and I just had to do the shot.  The first one took me about 15 minutes to actually do it.. I screamed, laughed, cried and then finally did.  Then laughed hysterically with my husband since I didn't even feel a thing. We did shots for a total of 4 nights.

I went in for monitoring on 4/19/17 and we had only 1 mature egg, and none that were even close behind...basically the same thing if I didn't take any medication, very disappointing, but staying positive.  Got the call that night to take what is called a "trigger" shot.  This shot forces ovulation to happen on demand. We went in the next morning on 4/20/17 for our IUI. Again, Chris came with me. We dropped off his "sample" in the morning and went back together for the procedure. All and all it was pretty painless.  Just a lot of cramping. Then you get to lay there for about 15 minutes with your pelvis lifted, which leads me to believe that the whole lay with your legs in the air myth is true!! I spent the rest of the day home and Chris stayed with me. We watched movies and relaxed and tried to keep our minds off the next 2 weeks.

We would need to come back in on May 4th for our beta test (bloodwork to confirm pregnancy).  I would also need to take Progesterone suppositories for the 2 weeks while we wait. Little did I know this would be the worst part of the month... the waiting was horrible but the progesterone literally kicked my ass! But it would all be worth it if I had a little Peanut growing inside me.

Here is a picture of us in the office waiting to start the procedure.

Decisions...

Chris and I are both extremely open minded and are blessed to have found each other.  We had actually had conversations about adoption before we even met.  If I am being completely honest, I have always had this feeling that I would adopt, I used to think it was because I just loved children and would love to be able to provide a child with love and family, now I wonder if it was some sort of  intuition into my future. Anyway, Chris was also 100% open to the idea of adopting, but now that we were actually in this position, we both decided that we really wanted to try for our own child first before we ran out of time completely. I did hours of research on my numbers, success rates and read many personal stories of many women who shared their experiences with fertility treatments.  Turns out there are no two women alike, its basically impossible to predict the future.. who knew?

We decided to start off conservative with an IUI, for those that are new to all the lingo, this is an Insemination.  Basically, they inject the sperm right into the uterus hours before ovulation should happen, so the sperm can be right there waiting or swimming to the egg.  You also have the option to take medicine to stimulate your ovaries in hopes of getting more than 1 mature egg before ovulation, there are several levels of these medications. We decided to start with the lowest form which is an oral pill, most common being Clomid.  We were both very worried after all the scenes you see on tv and movies that these meds would make me crazy or very uncomfortable, so we wanted to start off slow, but we were also very scared that we shouldn't waste more time...

We basically decided we would make the decisions together as they arrived, but this would be a good starting point.  We were open to IVF, Donor Eggs and then adoption if thats where the road takes us.  As long as we have each other we can get through anything, right?  Well this is where all the fun actually begins... little did I know how many minutes and hours I would spend waiting!!!  TTC (trying to conceive) is all about waiting!!

Fertility Testing

We started officially trying to get pregnant in November 2016.  We tried for a few months the good old fashion way, basically just being newlyweds and having as much sex as we could handle! That wasn't working, and quickly became overwhelming.  I had gone to see my OBGYN before we started trying to make sure everything was good to go... and she assured me that everything was great, I was young, getting my period every month on my own, she told me to relax, eat lots of fruit and veggies (she didn't even suggest prenatal vitamins) and I would have a baby.  I asked if there were any tests to run to just make sure my hormones were all where they should be, she insisted it wasn't necessary and encouraged me to relax.... this would begin my hatred towards the word "relax"!!  To be completely honest, from the beginning I had this nagging gut feeling telling me something was wrong...I just didn't want to believe it.

During the 5 months of trying naturally I had 2 people I knew very well get pregnant... and I started to trust my gut feeling more and more.  By this time, I had done tons of research, was using OPK (ovulation prediction kits) and we were timing intercourse to give ourselves the best chance we could.  We were taking vitamins, trying to eat healthy all the while trying to "relax".  Everyday I was asked "When are you going to start trying for a baby?" in some way or form from the many women I come in contact with between all the schools I attend on a weekly basis, which I followed up with "Trust me, I already am", which led them to respond with some sort of advice, which led me to hate the phrase "Give it time" or "Relax, and it will just happen" or best yet "Stop thinking about it and you will be pregnant". Trust me... I know all these women meant well and this is the socially appropriate response, however all I could do was envision punching them straight in the face (sorry if you are reading this, but its the truth).  If you are in this situation again,  lets start with not asking such personal questions about someones marriage, yes I know I will be a great mom which is why many people said these things to me, working with little kids, they see the bond I have with my students and makes them want to tell me these things, but just remember its my life and Im already feeling this sadness for myself, I don't need yours.  Next, if you are in this situation, try telling the person something helpful, such as " It took me months to conceive, but the wait was worth it" or if you are one of the lucky ones that didn't have to try hard for your miracle say something like "Im sorry your going through that, stay positive and Im here if you need me".  But as I said, these are just women that I know, not my friends... luckily my friends have been very supportive and are always there for me.

Anyway, by the 6th month I had enough....I called my OBGYN and asked for advice, I got the standard "Try for a year, then call me if you are not pregnant".  I asked if she could at least refer me to a clinic for my husband to be checked out, since I read this was a much easier and more affordable process. She insisted everything was fine and we needed to wait the year.  At this point I was furious and sick of crying... I am not an unhappy person and I could feel myself changing inside.  I was becoming angry, resentful, frustrated and sad on a monthly basis, all while having this nagging feeling that something just wasn't right.

I decided to take it upon myself with my husband's help and find a clinic to help us.  We were eventually able to get his sperm checked out and all was perfect.... which I was very grateful about but now I knew it was an issue with me...  My husband called our insurance and discovered that all fertility testing was covered, so we decided what the hell, we minus well know and hopefully once I have some answers I will be able to follow all this advice of "relax, stop thinking about it" and get pregnant. If only I were that lucky....

I went to a local office that I absolutely love. I sat down with my new fertility doctor and she explained all the testing to me, it would take about 2 weeks to complete and then we would have some answers.  I finally felt better, we had a plan, I like plans, plans help me "RELAX"!  Until she called us back for the follow up consultation...It was my worst fear.  I had done so much research at this point I knew what most outcomes could be, most of them being reversible with some sort of procedure or medicine except 1... of course that was my diagnosis.... Low AMH...For a woman, my age in her mid 30's my number should be 5-7 with a low average of 3...my number is 0.5. To be honest, I blacked out after hearing that number, I sat there holding my husbands hand while my tears fell, listening to the doctor explain everything I had already researched, which basically stated my egg reserve is very low.  Women are born with all their eggs that they will ever have and the number slowly diminishes over time until they reach menopause, well my body is diminishing the eggs at a much faster rate than normal, therefore I do not have many eggs left. The other main concern here is the quality also diminishes as you get closer to menopause (hence why women struggle to conceive naturally the older they get), so there is a good chance the eggs I have left, may not be of a good enough quality to create a baby.

Somehow, my husband stayed positive for us and asked all the questions... her advice... "don't wait, don't relax and don't give it time" unlike all the other women including my OBGYN continued to tell me on a daily basis.  She remained confident that we will have a child and that I may have saved our chances by coming to see her so early in our process.  So my advice ladies... Don't WAIT! Go get tested, it was a simple 2 weeks of my life that saved me months of trying on our own, wasting more of our precious time. Now, we had to go home process this, look over our choices and come back when I got my period in 2 weeks to begin out infertility treatments... much easier said then done, but we did have a plan which made me feel slightly better.

To share or Not to share

I am really struggling with the choice of sharing our journey publicly or keeping it private from our friends and family.  Yes, I am aware that I am typing a blog as we speak, but I have only shared it with close friends that already knew our situation and my mother.  I am surprised how many other anonymous readers I have, yet I am not as us Fertility Warriors are constantly on the internet reading about other women, learning and comparing our situation to their's praying to read about someone in a similar situation that has been successful.

In my heart, I want to share our story because I want to bring some awareness, I am sure there are many women that I know who are currently struggling silently or have in the past, it would be great to hear from these women in a time like this.  Plus I could use all the positive support I could get right now.  I also want people to understand what it is really like for couples in these situations and I feel that Chris and I are handling it pretty well and are stronger and closer than ever, and I am proud of that and our marriage.  I am also just a very open person and strive to live a life that is not full of secrets, as secrets stress me out and tend to make me feel like I am lying... for instance I feel like I have been isolating myself a bit over the past few months, because it's hard for me to even lie and answer questions like the simple, "How are you?" Usually this is asked when I haven't seen a person in a while and in a social setting, where it would really suck to answer honestly and drag everyone down, or put someone on the spot... which brings me back to the blog... it gives people an opportunity to read what we are going through, process it and choose a way to be involved, even if that is saying nothing... at least they know what's actually going on in our life.

My biggest fear and I know my fellow ladies that are struggling understand it completely, is the judgement, unsolicited advice and opinions, which many may argue you are opening yourself up to when you share your experience with people. However, this makes me a little angry, what kind of world are we living in if we feel like we can not share a very hard struggle with people who are supposed to care about us, without receiving judgements and opinions??? I would like to have more faith in our friends and family that this is not what they would do with this information, but I have to admit I am very scared of how some people may react... but the reality is.. this is OUR life and our choices to be made.  I would not be sharing because I want your advice or judgement, I want you to learn about the process and more importantly support us in one way or another.  However, I completely understand and am aware that many people will not.. I know some people do not think IVF is natural, and feel you should just wait and accept what God gives you... however, I feel this is one of those situations that you can not judge unless you have gone through it yourself and even then you should respect people's choices even if you do not agree.

So if you are reading this, then I have chosen to share it, so please remember to be kind and remember that Chris and I are very sad that this is our reality, but we are choosing to make the best of it, love and support each other through it and make tough decisions that we both agree on all in hopes to hold a sweet baby in our arms one day. We hope that you can love and support us through this time in our lives.

Meet The Morgans

Hey Readers,

      Thanks for reading our blog. Let me take a few minutes to introduce my husband, Chris and I.  My name is Kerri, I'm 33 almost 34 and I'm a Special Education Teacher. I work with Preschool age children that have developmental delays.  I love my job, I love to help the children be successful and support their classroom teachers in making accommodations. My husband Chris is 38 and the most amazing person I have ever met.  He is one of those guys that is so smart and has the ability to fix anything, he can look at anything and find a way to fix it or make it work again. His day job is measuring kitchens and bathrooms for Home Depot, he travels all over our region and deals with people all day long, yet still comes home with a smile on his face.

We met and fell in love instantly in March 2015. We actually met on a dating app called Tinder. Yes, thats right we are a successful Tinder match. We talked non stop for about 7 days before we finally met, and I can honestly say it was love at first sight. We were basically inseparable from there, we both had a crazy past when it came to relationships and both had given up on the myth of "true love" until we found each other. My thoughtful and creative husband planned an amazing proposal that actually ended up being played on national television... Ill share it later in the post.  We had a beautiful, small beach wedding in September 2016 (video posted below).  I can honestly say that I am happy, loved, wanted, supported and taken care of everyday by my husband, he is my best friend and loves me the way I dreamed about my whole life.  We are true partners and are now struggling with our biggest wish to start a family.

I decided to start this blog as an outlet to all my feelings while TTC (trying to conceive).  I pride myself as someone that has a lot of empathy towards others, I can't even watch a TV character cry without crying even harder, but I truly never understood how painful it could be to struggle to get pregnant. It may sound dramatic to someone that hasn't experienced it, but it truly does feel like you lost a loved one, month after month.  No matter how much you try to keep your head on straight, be logical and know the percentages, your body thanks to hormones and such can not help but become attached to the idea that a baby could be starting to grow inside of you.  I would like to state, that I realize we have not been "trying" for that long and there are many women that have struggled more and longer than I have so far, but this blog is for them too... people need to be aware of this struggle, how painful it can feel and ways you can support someone you know, I don't claim to be an expert at all, this is just my experience so far. Please be kind and remember I'm just a person wanting to raise a child with the love of my life.