On Monday 7/31 (day 3) we got a phone call that our 2 perfect Embryos were still perfect, Grade 1, and there was 1 Embryo that was still fighting at a Grade 3. We were so relieved, they said they wouldn't call until Day 5- Wednesday as they do not check the Embryos on Day 4. On Wednesday, I honestly wasn't too nervous, I thought they have been perfect, they should make it to Blast, but I was way wrong...
The doctor called and told me we had 1 Embryo that was currently at what they like to see at Day 4, he/she had only around 30-40 cells and should be around 70 by this point, she explained that this can naturally happen and he/she may catch up...I remember taking a sigh and thinking this was the bad news and waiting for her to say the other 2 were still perfect...nope, she broke my heart and said "I'm sorry but the other 2 have stopped growing". I honestly heard nothing after that. I hung up, called Chris and cried, he was in shock I could tell, he said he would finish a few things at work and leave early. Of course I was about to drive home, now I had to somehow make it an hour in the car alone... I couldn't calm down, I had to call Chris and beg him to just leave work now because I needed to hear his voice until I got home, of course he did. After I made it home safely, he called the doctor and tried to find out more information, but I had heard most of it correctly. She said we had a 50/50 chance of our remaining Embryo to make it until Day 6, if he/she did it could still be frozen and transferred in the future. So we basically laid in bed all night just holding each other, I cried for hours, and Chris tried to be strong for us, I couldn't believe how much it hurt to loose something we never even knew yet, but what people don't understand is, it's already a baby to us, we want it so bad that as much as we try not to, we already had our hopes up, we were already parents in our mind, I spent hours thinking of how those little babies were growing, hoping they were ok and that someone else was taking care of them so I could one day continue to do so. It literally broke my heart to think it was already over... so much time, money and pain went into making these little guys and in a matter of days it was all over...
I couldn't sleep, I woke up in a panic every few hours and dreamed of our 1 little embryo, praying he/she was a fighter, and some how beat the odds.... but thats not what happen. Surprisingly, I was able to stay calm during this phone call and ask some questions. The nurse explained that there is never really a definite answer as to why these things don't work out, but in her experience it could be that when our genes mix together we for some reason do not make a viable embryo. She reminded me that we only had 4 mature eggs to work with and the odds were just not in our favor. I told her I would like to see the Doctor next week for a follow up and wanted to start exploring our other options, I reminded her that all along we have said "We just want to be parents, we know it will be hard and sad, but we don't care how we get there, nothing is off the table, except trying the same thing over and over again looking for a different outcome".
Basically, as much as I would love to have a baby that is both mine and Chris's, I just want to raise a child with him, and he feels the same. We already have a house filled with love, laughter and support, we want nothing more than to add a little peanut to that mix. We know we will love any baby like it is our own, so why keep trying for our "own", when my success rate is so low... its not worth all this stress, pain and money to me just to say the baby is my genetics. Genetics only mean so much in this world, they have nothing to do with being the parent that loves them everyday, helps them grow in to amazing human beings, it is just your DNA not what makes you a parent.
So now after I have had a few days to process and grieve, I am feeling optimistic again. I know we will be parents one day soon, its just finding that right path to lead us there. For now, I will be extremely grateful that I wake up every day loved by my husband who feels exactly the same way I do about our situation, which I know is rare, and love him back just as much, while we pursue our dream of having a baby.
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