Where do I begin... Chris and I have actively began our process of finding a beautiful family to donate their embryos to us, and to our surprise we believe we have already found them! For their privacy and all the children involved, I will not share specific details, but I will tell you about this amazing process so far.
First we began by posting our profile on 2 different websites that charge a small fee (to help run website and advertising). These websites could be compared to an online dating site. We post our profile with all kinds of specific details about ourselves and our life together. We are called the "recipient families" and then the "donor families" post their own profile with details about themselves and the remaining embryos they wish to donate. After setting up the profiles, I sent out a few emails to families that seemed like they had a similar family life. A few families responded but most of them were not interested in moving further with us, due to our religious beliefs, basically since we do not belong to a church or have a dominant religion, people did not feel comfortable. I completely understand that they have their beliefs and want their children to be raised the same way. Some other people responded and we just didn't "click".
The main discussion between families quickly becomes about the future and what kind of adoption you want. As I have mentioned in the previous post, there are 3 kinds of adoption, closed, semi-open and open adoptions. Anyone that is on a site like this will most likely want at the very least a semi-open adoption as they will already know who we are. Most of the families that responded to our profile were looking for a very open adoption, some were a little out of our comfort zone, mostly because it did not "feel" natural. They wanted the agreement to state a visit once a year (or more), constant communication and basically wants to be "best friends or extended family". While it is not necessary the idea of this that makes us uncomfortable, its the idea that we "have" to. My hope and wish is that we find a family that we naturally came to this agreement. We would be raising their child's full sibling, we know we will meet eventually and hope that the children become close and be true siblings, which along the way the parents will become closer and grow with them. It's a strange concept to wrap your mind around, however its also truly amazing. Our children will get to be so loved, and get to have more siblings than we would be able to give them!
Anyway, on to the good stuff. Then we received an email from an amazing couple. Things felt so right, and so natural. We emailed back and forth, sharing details about our lives, past and our hopes for the future. We just "clicked" and it feels great. We all agree that its about the children, our hope is to give them the best lives getting to know each other in ways that we are all comfortable with and are developmentally appropriate. We have shared more pictures and have even become Facebook friends.
We have agreed to move forward with the process, Chris and I have contacted a reproductive lawyer and waiting to see what the next steps are. We are over the moon and it just feels like we are finally on the right path.
Monday, August 28, 2017
Tuesday, August 22, 2017
Embryo Donation
This will basically be an informative post about Embryo Donation. It can sound much more complicated than it actually is. Here is what wikipedia has to offer about it.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Embryo_donation
There are several ways to go about receiving this donation.
1. From a clinic- this would be anonymous- we would know almost nothing about the family, it would be a closed adoption (no contact) and most places have a year waitlist to receive the embryos.
2. From an agency- could be any kind of adoption, however they charge a significant fee and have strong requirements, some being religious beliefs and/or years of marriage- basically we don't qualify for this option.
3. Independent- directly from a family- any type of adoption, although you will clearly know who each other are, more affordable and the opportunity to know much more information about all the families involved.
For many reasons the "independent" option work for us. We want to know the family we receive this unbelievable gift from, we want our future children to know their story and where they came from and we don't want to be giving money to someone who could be making a profit off of this amazing donation.
We want a semi-open to an open adoption. We feel that it is important for our children to know their whole story, all their truths and that they were beyond loved, so much that they were given the best chance at becoming a person. We feel its an important part of development to know where you came from, we don't ever want our children to think we have lied to them, so we plan to tell them the truth from brith. Of course we will do it in a developmentally appropriate way, such as a cute storybook, picture books and a child version of their story.
We are still learning about the process, but will know more as we move along. We know that we will need to sign up for some websites, some Facebook groups, and get our information out there. If we find a family that we match with, then we move on to the legal process, which we are not exactly sure what it entails, but we are excited!!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Embryo_donation
There are several ways to go about receiving this donation.
1. From a clinic- this would be anonymous- we would know almost nothing about the family, it would be a closed adoption (no contact) and most places have a year waitlist to receive the embryos.
2. From an agency- could be any kind of adoption, however they charge a significant fee and have strong requirements, some being religious beliefs and/or years of marriage- basically we don't qualify for this option.
3. Independent- directly from a family- any type of adoption, although you will clearly know who each other are, more affordable and the opportunity to know much more information about all the families involved.
For many reasons the "independent" option work for us. We want to know the family we receive this unbelievable gift from, we want our future children to know their story and where they came from and we don't want to be giving money to someone who could be making a profit off of this amazing donation.
We want a semi-open to an open adoption. We feel that it is important for our children to know their whole story, all their truths and that they were beyond loved, so much that they were given the best chance at becoming a person. We feel its an important part of development to know where you came from, we don't ever want our children to think we have lied to them, so we plan to tell them the truth from brith. Of course we will do it in a developmentally appropriate way, such as a cute storybook, picture books and a child version of their story.
We are still learning about the process, but will know more as we move along. We know that we will need to sign up for some websites, some Facebook groups, and get our information out there. If we find a family that we match with, then we move on to the legal process, which we are not exactly sure what it entails, but we are excited!!
Thursday, August 10, 2017
Moving On
This is my new motto.... I will be a mother and it will be soon!
Monday we met with our Doctor to discuss our options. It went pretty much as expected. He said he was comfortable being honest with us as he could tell we were ready and able to handle it. He explained that our best option to have a baby would be to use donor eggs. He feels that with my very low AMH number, I have officially begun Premature Ovarian Reserve, which is what I have said many times before in the blog that my ovaries are much older than me. If a 45-48 year old woman went to a doctor and wanted to get pregnant, this is the kind of number they would expect to see from her. So yes, for those of you who want to say it can still happen, it can, but the point is as far as medical opinions are concerned, it would not be worth it to pay thousands of dollars for IVF since it is not really increasing our chances of success. My eggs are just not great quality, so if there is a good one left in there, pumping my body with medicine is not really increasing the chances of that egg finding its way to Chris's sperm, if that makes sense.
I have been told by a few people to get a second opinion, again, I absolutely know you mean well, because you have heard yet again another miracle story, where someone changed Doctors and got pregnant. However, there are also MANY clinics out there that wouldn't even work with me since my number is as low as it is, which is why I have been so devastated all along. Chris and I said all along we would do this once, it was really me that wanted to give it one shot, I wanted to see what my body could and would do, so I could know in my heart I did everything I could, but you can not change your biological clock, it just is what it is. You have to understand how hard it was to even motivate myself the first time knowing how much the odds were stacked against me, but I wanted to believe my body could make a miracle too. I have not given up complete hope on it, I will continue to take care of it and learn to love it again, after all its the only body I have and I am now hopeful that I will just be able to carry a baby.
Chris and I heard what the doctor said about donor eggs, however we had already been doing our own research and have found another option that we are really excited about. Donor Embryos. To explain it as easy as possible, other families that have gone through IVF, completed their families and are fortunate enough to still have remaining embryos can donate these embryos to another family. It's really an incredible thing, its another family that literally experienced the same heartbreak, then were one of the lucky ones to come out successful able to give back to the other couples that are still struggling and give them the opportunity to be parents. Chris and I fell in love with this idea, we love that we can carry and bond with a baby for 9 months and get to still experience all the things we hoped for, the only thing that would be different is genetics, which means nothing to us. We are both 100% ok with the idea of raising a child that is not genetically ours, in fact we are falling more and more in love with the idea that our children could have other siblings to know when they are older.
We know this is a very different thing for many people to understand and support, but it is our life and our choice. We encourage you to do some research on it, it truly is amazing and speaks to our soul. I will of course continue to write about our journey, therefore you as the reader will learn more about the process through us.
Saturday, August 5, 2017
Not our time...
It has taken me a few days to even think of writing about these past few heartbreaking days. I honestly struggled to sleep or even get out of bed, but I am now feeling much better (as much as I can be) and ready to begin exploring our next step options. That's what us Fertility Warriors do.. we keep fighting and don't give up until there is a sweet baby in our arms.
On Monday 7/31 (day 3) we got a phone call that our 2 perfect Embryos were still perfect, Grade 1, and there was 1 Embryo that was still fighting at a Grade 3. We were so relieved, they said they wouldn't call until Day 5- Wednesday as they do not check the Embryos on Day 4. On Wednesday, I honestly wasn't too nervous, I thought they have been perfect, they should make it to Blast, but I was way wrong...
The doctor called and told me we had 1 Embryo that was currently at what they like to see at Day 4, he/she had only around 30-40 cells and should be around 70 by this point, she explained that this can naturally happen and he/she may catch up...I remember taking a sigh and thinking this was the bad news and waiting for her to say the other 2 were still perfect...nope, she broke my heart and said "I'm sorry but the other 2 have stopped growing". I honestly heard nothing after that. I hung up, called Chris and cried, he was in shock I could tell, he said he would finish a few things at work and leave early. Of course I was about to drive home, now I had to somehow make it an hour in the car alone... I couldn't calm down, I had to call Chris and beg him to just leave work now because I needed to hear his voice until I got home, of course he did. After I made it home safely, he called the doctor and tried to find out more information, but I had heard most of it correctly. She said we had a 50/50 chance of our remaining Embryo to make it until Day 6, if he/she did it could still be frozen and transferred in the future. So we basically laid in bed all night just holding each other, I cried for hours, and Chris tried to be strong for us, I couldn't believe how much it hurt to loose something we never even knew yet, but what people don't understand is, it's already a baby to us, we want it so bad that as much as we try not to, we already had our hopes up, we were already parents in our mind, I spent hours thinking of how those little babies were growing, hoping they were ok and that someone else was taking care of them so I could one day continue to do so. It literally broke my heart to think it was already over... so much time, money and pain went into making these little guys and in a matter of days it was all over...
I couldn't sleep, I woke up in a panic every few hours and dreamed of our 1 little embryo, praying he/she was a fighter, and some how beat the odds.... but thats not what happen. Surprisingly, I was able to stay calm during this phone call and ask some questions. The nurse explained that there is never really a definite answer as to why these things don't work out, but in her experience it could be that when our genes mix together we for some reason do not make a viable embryo. She reminded me that we only had 4 mature eggs to work with and the odds were just not in our favor. I told her I would like to see the Doctor next week for a follow up and wanted to start exploring our other options, I reminded her that all along we have said "We just want to be parents, we know it will be hard and sad, but we don't care how we get there, nothing is off the table, except trying the same thing over and over again looking for a different outcome".
Basically, as much as I would love to have a baby that is both mine and Chris's, I just want to raise a child with him, and he feels the same. We already have a house filled with love, laughter and support, we want nothing more than to add a little peanut to that mix. We know we will love any baby like it is our own, so why keep trying for our "own", when my success rate is so low... its not worth all this stress, pain and money to me just to say the baby is my genetics. Genetics only mean so much in this world, they have nothing to do with being the parent that loves them everyday, helps them grow in to amazing human beings, it is just your DNA not what makes you a parent.
So now after I have had a few days to process and grieve, I am feeling optimistic again. I know we will be parents one day soon, its just finding that right path to lead us there. For now, I will be extremely grateful that I wake up every day loved by my husband who feels exactly the same way I do about our situation, which I know is rare, and love him back just as much, while we pursue our dream of having a baby.
On Monday 7/31 (day 3) we got a phone call that our 2 perfect Embryos were still perfect, Grade 1, and there was 1 Embryo that was still fighting at a Grade 3. We were so relieved, they said they wouldn't call until Day 5- Wednesday as they do not check the Embryos on Day 4. On Wednesday, I honestly wasn't too nervous, I thought they have been perfect, they should make it to Blast, but I was way wrong...
The doctor called and told me we had 1 Embryo that was currently at what they like to see at Day 4, he/she had only around 30-40 cells and should be around 70 by this point, she explained that this can naturally happen and he/she may catch up...I remember taking a sigh and thinking this was the bad news and waiting for her to say the other 2 were still perfect...nope, she broke my heart and said "I'm sorry but the other 2 have stopped growing". I honestly heard nothing after that. I hung up, called Chris and cried, he was in shock I could tell, he said he would finish a few things at work and leave early. Of course I was about to drive home, now I had to somehow make it an hour in the car alone... I couldn't calm down, I had to call Chris and beg him to just leave work now because I needed to hear his voice until I got home, of course he did. After I made it home safely, he called the doctor and tried to find out more information, but I had heard most of it correctly. She said we had a 50/50 chance of our remaining Embryo to make it until Day 6, if he/she did it could still be frozen and transferred in the future. So we basically laid in bed all night just holding each other, I cried for hours, and Chris tried to be strong for us, I couldn't believe how much it hurt to loose something we never even knew yet, but what people don't understand is, it's already a baby to us, we want it so bad that as much as we try not to, we already had our hopes up, we were already parents in our mind, I spent hours thinking of how those little babies were growing, hoping they were ok and that someone else was taking care of them so I could one day continue to do so. It literally broke my heart to think it was already over... so much time, money and pain went into making these little guys and in a matter of days it was all over...
I couldn't sleep, I woke up in a panic every few hours and dreamed of our 1 little embryo, praying he/she was a fighter, and some how beat the odds.... but thats not what happen. Surprisingly, I was able to stay calm during this phone call and ask some questions. The nurse explained that there is never really a definite answer as to why these things don't work out, but in her experience it could be that when our genes mix together we for some reason do not make a viable embryo. She reminded me that we only had 4 mature eggs to work with and the odds were just not in our favor. I told her I would like to see the Doctor next week for a follow up and wanted to start exploring our other options, I reminded her that all along we have said "We just want to be parents, we know it will be hard and sad, but we don't care how we get there, nothing is off the table, except trying the same thing over and over again looking for a different outcome".
Basically, as much as I would love to have a baby that is both mine and Chris's, I just want to raise a child with him, and he feels the same. We already have a house filled with love, laughter and support, we want nothing more than to add a little peanut to that mix. We know we will love any baby like it is our own, so why keep trying for our "own", when my success rate is so low... its not worth all this stress, pain and money to me just to say the baby is my genetics. Genetics only mean so much in this world, they have nothing to do with being the parent that loves them everyday, helps them grow in to amazing human beings, it is just your DNA not what makes you a parent.
So now after I have had a few days to process and grieve, I am feeling optimistic again. I know we will be parents one day soon, its just finding that right path to lead us there. For now, I will be extremely grateful that I wake up every day loved by my husband who feels exactly the same way I do about our situation, which I know is rare, and love him back just as much, while we pursue our dream of having a baby.
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