A single failure....

Well... we decided to cancel the transfer.  I am still completely confused as to what happened.  I know it is common for women to struggle with lining issues, however in my particular case it does not seem "normal".  According to my ultrasounds, my lining grew from a 3 (baseline) to a 7mm (1st monitoring) in a week, then to a 13mm (2nd monitoring) in the next week and then back down to a 8mm (3rd monitoring) in 6 days, we decided to add another monitoring 2 days later and it was around a 7mm... this makes no sense to anyone, not my doctor or acupuncturist. My hormones continued to rise and stay in the right zones and I was feeling great.  I didn't miss any medications, was meditating and staying positive.  It was the last thing I was expecting.

Chris came with me to the appointment and helped talk it out with the doctor.  We decided to convert the cycle to a "mock" cycle.  I am going to stay on the estrogen for another 10 days (yeah! can't wait!) and see what happens to my lining.. if it continuing to shrink... or thicken???  I still can't shake the feeling that the 13 measurement could have been an error... all of the ultrasounds were done by the same doctor on the same machine...but he did say it could have been a shadow of some sorts on the screen.. which then at least my situation would be a little more typical with a lining that is struggling to thicken.  I feel a little more comfortable with that scenario. As always only time will tell.  The one thing we know is we are not comfortable transferring this little guy until we feel my body is perfect and ready.  That is not to say that this disappointment is not ripping my heart apart.

I am more scared about the future.. will I ever be ready.. is my body and the universe trying to tell me I am not meant for pregnancy.. am I doing something wrong.. these are all the things that cross my mind and I am terrified of the answers. I feel broken. I feel like I may not deserve this for some reason.  I know I "shouldn't" feel this way and it probably isn't true but it is my inner fears. I want to be a warrior and I know I am... warriors have moments of weakness too.

On the medical end, I also have so many thoughts... did this happen last time and we didn't catch it?  Was the endometriosis making my lining appear thicker? Has it somehow grown back already causing problems? Is there a cyst or growth some where? Do I need to loose weight? Its never ending... the thoughts just keep coming...

So for now, I am going to try and stay positive, reminding myself that I will be a Mom one day, some how, it just can't happen in the timing I want.  I have to learn to be patient.  Chris has already told me over 100 times since yesterday that I am not broken, he loves me forever and we are going to be parents, and I guess I just need to trust him because it's all I have left.  I need to stop blaming myself and trust the process, I know it is hard and I continue to be a work in progress but it's what I need to do.  So I will keep working on myself in all the ways I can, and starting with some more self care.

Not so ready....

Well we are on another rollercoaster ride.  Today was supposed to be the beginning of phase 2 of the protocol.  I should be starting the Lovenox and PIO tonight, but things didnt go as planned.  It seems that my lining has gotten thinner instead of getting thicker.  Last appointment it showed that I had a 13mm lining, this time I was down to an 8.  We are not sure what happened.  We talked with our Dr and it seems that all the hormones are the same and in a good range, but the lining has gotten thinner.  We decided to wait and see what happens over the next 48 hours.  Maybe the lining will get thicker... but we are not sure at this point.  So either way my transfer is delayed and now possibly going to be cancelled. Im a mess to be completely honest. I just feel defeated, like I can never be prepared emotionally and now I am not sure what my body is doing.  Its hard to feel so "ready" and positive when my body just isn't responding the way that it should.. what does this mean.... is this a sytmptom or a sign of yet another fertility problem?  Is my body able to do this? I am at a lost right now... I know the best thing is to wait for everything to be perfect and for my Doctor to feel that we are at the best place physically.. but it is hard to know if that point is ever going to come.. will I ever be ready? I want to be strong and positive, but right now especially with all these hormones its difficult to feel that way.  I fell weak and sad.  I have a long 48 hours ahead of me of researching and trying to see what I would like to do if my lining does thicken.. is that ok? Is it still a good idea to transfer.. I am not sure at this point.  Will the extra estrogen help or is it too much for my body.  Is this what happened last time? So many thoughts going through my head.