A single failure....

Well... we decided to cancel the transfer.  I am still completely confused as to what happened.  I know it is common for women to struggle with lining issues, however in my particular case it does not seem "normal".  According to my ultrasounds, my lining grew from a 3 (baseline) to a 7mm (1st monitoring) in a week, then to a 13mm (2nd monitoring) in the next week and then back down to a 8mm (3rd monitoring) in 6 days, we decided to add another monitoring 2 days later and it was around a 7mm... this makes no sense to anyone, not my doctor or acupuncturist. My hormones continued to rise and stay in the right zones and I was feeling great.  I didn't miss any medications, was meditating and staying positive.  It was the last thing I was expecting.

Chris came with me to the appointment and helped talk it out with the doctor.  We decided to convert the cycle to a "mock" cycle.  I am going to stay on the estrogen for another 10 days (yeah! can't wait!) and see what happens to my lining.. if it continuing to shrink... or thicken???  I still can't shake the feeling that the 13 measurement could have been an error... all of the ultrasounds were done by the same doctor on the same machine...but he did say it could have been a shadow of some sorts on the screen.. which then at least my situation would be a little more typical with a lining that is struggling to thicken.  I feel a little more comfortable with that scenario. As always only time will tell.  The one thing we know is we are not comfortable transferring this little guy until we feel my body is perfect and ready.  That is not to say that this disappointment is not ripping my heart apart.

I am more scared about the future.. will I ever be ready.. is my body and the universe trying to tell me I am not meant for pregnancy.. am I doing something wrong.. these are all the things that cross my mind and I am terrified of the answers. I feel broken. I feel like I may not deserve this for some reason.  I know I "shouldn't" feel this way and it probably isn't true but it is my inner fears. I want to be a warrior and I know I am... warriors have moments of weakness too.

On the medical end, I also have so many thoughts... did this happen last time and we didn't catch it?  Was the endometriosis making my lining appear thicker? Has it somehow grown back already causing problems? Is there a cyst or growth some where? Do I need to loose weight? Its never ending... the thoughts just keep coming...

So for now, I am going to try and stay positive, reminding myself that I will be a Mom one day, some how, it just can't happen in the timing I want.  I have to learn to be patient.  Chris has already told me over 100 times since yesterday that I am not broken, he loves me forever and we are going to be parents, and I guess I just need to trust him because it's all I have left.  I need to stop blaming myself and trust the process, I know it is hard and I continue to be a work in progress but it's what I need to do.  So I will keep working on myself in all the ways I can, and starting with some more self care.