Our Future

A lot of people ask me about the future of our Embryo Donation, questions such as- “what will you tell Brian?”, “How often do you plan to see the donor family?”, “Are you scared to have a relationship with them?”, “What do you call them?”, “Will you have more children through Embryo Donation?”.

Yes, these are all personal questions, but I have shared our story so publicly, so people are curious, I get it. I will do my best to address them and discuss our experience so far, but remember that it is only my experience that I can comment on, I imagine everyone has a different experience.

First and foremost, Brian will always know his entire story. I began telling him in the womb and continue to do so everyday. There is a lot of research out there that explains donor conceived children should be treated the same as adopted children, in order to avoid any confusing feelings of betrayal, it is best to be honest, tell them all the time how much they are loved and how much they were wanted. Brian’s story is one of so much love, we wanted him so much that we did all we could to bring him to the world, his donors loved him so much they wanted him to have a life, his brothers already feel such a strong connection to him, he has more extended family that loves him so much, we have become one big, blended family.

That will be the emotion behind Brian’s story, but yes as he develops specific details will be shared. We already read him a great book called “The pea that was Me” by Kim Kluger-Bell. I read this to him in the womb, and we read it at least once a week now. His brothers also read the book. It basically describes Embryo Donation through a family of peas, it uses language such as “sperm and eggs”, but at the same time explains it very simply to a child that a very nice family gave another family a pea since they couldn’t make their own, with the help of a Doctor, this little pea grew into a baby and then a child. This is just one example of books out there, we own a few and will always read them to Brian, answering any and all questions that we can.

As for our relationship with the “donors”, that has blossomed into a beautiful relationship. This happened naturally and organically. We made a legal agreement that only states we need to communicate about medical issues. We talked about our hopes and dreams for the future, and when they were the same, we decided to leave it up to faith where life will bring us, we didn’t need a legal agreement to feel the love we have for Brian and his brothers. We all knew that we would do anything we could to foster the relationship between the brothers, that being the most important aspect to all of us. The rest fell into place. Becky (donor mom) and I grew close over the entire ivf transfer and pregnancy, she became more than a friend, I could always feel her true love and support and knew it was genuine.

We met Becky, Jim and the boys face to face in September 2018, when I was 20 weeks pregnant. We immediately hit it off, sharing stories, bonding with the kids, eating and relaxing together. Our relationship continued to grow the rest of the pregnancy and we even FaceTimed the whole family from the hospital room showing them Brian. We didn’t “need” to do this, but wanted to, these very generous people have become our family too. We continue to talk often, FaceTime  with the kids, share pictures and videos.

In June 2019, for Fathers Day, we all got together and Brian met his brothers. It was magical. The boys were immediately connected to Brian, so excited to see him, loving on him, talking to him, shared toys and were so happy. Through the books they read, they are able to understand that Brian is their brother but lives with us. I’m sure there will be questions along the way, but for now, they are aware and content with the information provided. They called us family and we’re already talking about seeing Brian in the future.

As for the adults, we grew even closer, recognizing what a special bond that has bought us together. It filled all of our hearts to see the boys together, watch the older boys give Brian kisses, pat his head and show him so much love. Becky and I talked about it, she expressed that she was surprisingly really ok and happy with the entire outcome, she didn’t feel any connection with Brian in the sense that it was her son, more that a good friend had an adorable baby. She later expressed that she couldn't have dreamed of a better home and family for Brian.

I’m sure there will be many more emotions that will come during different moments in Brian’s life, but again for now, we are all content with where we are as a family. We have discussed celebrating a holiday together, and have plans to meet at the beach in August.

As for adopting another embryo, Chris and I are content and feel that our family is complete at this point in time. We have no plans to go through any IVF process again. If we are blessed with some sort of a miracle along the way and I was to get pregnant naturally then we would be more than willing to love and raise that child, but have no intentions of trying to get pregnant, we just want to live our life as a happy family of 3!!!

I do believe that this was our path all along, I have always had this intuition that I would adopt, but I also wanted to carry a baby, it’s crazy how it all fell into place and worked out better then I could have ever dreamed of.

There is not one little tiny of piece of me that doesn’t feel like Brian’s Mama. I know so many people are scared that you won’t feel a bond, or won’t love the child like it is your own- but to me, he is my own. I already see expressions that are all me, and our bond is undeniable. This is the same for Chris, I know a lot of men are concerned about these feelings, I have asked and talked with Chris about it, but it’s clear to me every day how much love is between him and Brian. Again, this is only our experience, but Brian is our son, he will absolutely know that he has different DNA, but DNA does not define you or make a family. There are all kinds of families out there, I know ours is unique but I wouldn’t change a thing about it.


On a whole other note.... a lot of people have been trying to convince me to write a book... I would love to, but have no idea where is start!!! Anyone have experience? Know an editor or someone that you can connect me with?