Where to start... well Progesterone shots suck!! They hurt me so bad, I basically cried every night in pain, and I could even feel it through out the day when walking around... but we got to take them. I will say that it was another small part that brought Chris and I closer through out this process. He gave me the shots every night as they are taken in the upper part of your butt. I would lay down with an ice pack to try and numb the injection area, Chris would as always prepare the medicine and then he would inject me... this is a different process than all of our other meds, because they recommend that you inject it very slow as it is a thick oil... it hurts! I could feel it going in no matter how much I tried not to. After a few minutes Chris would massage the area and try to work the oil into my system, this sounds like it would be relaxing, but really it just made it hurt more as the muscle is so bruised. I have read other women do not feel anything... so I think its like everything else on the journey every woman is different and your body will feel it differently. But we were both strong and took this injection every night for 18 days leading up to our beta (blood test results) day. One thing that I will remember forever about this specific process, is Chris who never cries, was very emotional doing this nightly, he still never cried but he did say to me "You are a much stronger person than I am, if I had to do this every night, I would have asked you to quit already, I would be asking you if we could just adopt a child, because I could not take this pain nightly or let you stick this HUGE needle in to me every night." Then he said "So thank you for giving your body and enduring this pain for me and our son, I love you and you are so strong". Of course I cried even harder the particular night...
As a side note- my friend Danielle Kolachik who owns a nonprofit called The Dkol La Femme Project photographed pieces of our story, in part to raise some awareness and also to help us through this journey, she even came to the transfer with us. Check that our here... https://thedkollafemmeproject.org/blog/2018/8/29/the-dkol-la-femme-project-embryo-adoption
Chris's smile in this picture both warms by heart and breaks it at the same time. He was so purely happy. He like myself loved that little embryo like it was already his son, and he was.
I broke down on 9 days past the transfer and took a home pregnancy test (hpt)... we were both home and feeling super positive.... worst mistake ever... it was negative... as much as I swore up and down to Chris that I wouldn't be upset... I wad devastated... I cried myself to sleep. The next day I decided to be super positive again and tried to convince myself it was to early to test. But I knew in my heart that it most likely did not work. I decided to enjoy "being pregnant" for a few more days- because I was, all my friends and family treated me like I was, at work people barely let me do anything, at home Chris and my mom took care of everything, letting me rest. Then Christmas came and our family came to our house and took over letting me rest and enjoy the company, but the whole time there was a little hole in my heart that I refused to pay attention to.
On 14 days past transfer I woke up around 5 am, I decided that I couldn't wait all day for the blood results, so I took our final hpt, a digital one... it revealed that I was once again... NOT PREGNANT. It has to be the worst image in the entire world, I literally fell to floor in our bathroom and cried hysterically until Chris came and found me. He carried me back to bed and held me while I lost my whole soul. Even now typing this I shed more tears for our loss. He promised to stay with me all day, taking off of work and took me to the appointment. The nurse drew the blood and told me its not over until the doctor calls with the results, but I couldn't even pretend to believe that. We left, relaxed at home and waited for the dreaded phone call. It finally came later that night around 5:30 and our doctor confirmed that we were not pregnant. He told us to take some time and come back when we were ready and I got my period.
Even though I knew it was coming, there are no words to explain this loss. It is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. Its the loss of our son, the loss of our future sons' sibling, the loss of the image of the family of four I have been seeing mentally since the day we received this donation. It's the loss of hope. It's the loss of my strength and I am just so sad. This is why I have not been able to write to anyone, the feelings are terrible to explain and there are no words of comfort. I came across this letter and it expresses a lot of my feelings and if you have had a failed transfer, you might be feeling the same way. http://www.scarymommy.com/ivf-embryos/
Im working on myself, gaining the strength and having hope. I am leaning on my husband, who I have NEVER seen so sad and broken, but we will grow together and build our family one way or another.
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