Our Future

A lot of people ask me about the future of our Embryo Donation, questions such as- “what will you tell Brian?”, “How often do you plan to see the donor family?”, “Are you scared to have a relationship with them?”, “What do you call them?”, “Will you have more children through Embryo Donation?”.

Yes, these are all personal questions, but I have shared our story so publicly, so people are curious, I get it. I will do my best to address them and discuss our experience so far, but remember that it is only my experience that I can comment on, I imagine everyone has a different experience.

First and foremost, Brian will always know his entire story. I began telling him in the womb and continue to do so everyday. There is a lot of research out there that explains donor conceived children should be treated the same as adopted children, in order to avoid any confusing feelings of betrayal, it is best to be honest, tell them all the time how much they are loved and how much they were wanted. Brian’s story is one of so much love, we wanted him so much that we did all we could to bring him to the world, his donors loved him so much they wanted him to have a life, his brothers already feel such a strong connection to him, he has more extended family that loves him so much, we have become one big, blended family.

That will be the emotion behind Brian’s story, but yes as he develops specific details will be shared. We already read him a great book called “The pea that was Me” by Kim Kluger-Bell. I read this to him in the womb, and we read it at least once a week now. His brothers also read the book. It basically describes Embryo Donation through a family of peas, it uses language such as “sperm and eggs”, but at the same time explains it very simply to a child that a very nice family gave another family a pea since they couldn’t make their own, with the help of a Doctor, this little pea grew into a baby and then a child. This is just one example of books out there, we own a few and will always read them to Brian, answering any and all questions that we can.

As for our relationship with the “donors”, that has blossomed into a beautiful relationship. This happened naturally and organically. We made a legal agreement that only states we need to communicate about medical issues. We talked about our hopes and dreams for the future, and when they were the same, we decided to leave it up to faith where life will bring us, we didn’t need a legal agreement to feel the love we have for Brian and his brothers. We all knew that we would do anything we could to foster the relationship between the brothers, that being the most important aspect to all of us. The rest fell into place. Becky (donor mom) and I grew close over the entire ivf transfer and pregnancy, she became more than a friend, I could always feel her true love and support and knew it was genuine.

We met Becky, Jim and the boys face to face in September 2018, when I was 20 weeks pregnant. We immediately hit it off, sharing stories, bonding with the kids, eating and relaxing together. Our relationship continued to grow the rest of the pregnancy and we even FaceTimed the whole family from the hospital room showing them Brian. We didn’t “need” to do this, but wanted to, these very generous people have become our family too. We continue to talk often, FaceTime  with the kids, share pictures and videos.

In June 2019, for Fathers Day, we all got together and Brian met his brothers. It was magical. The boys were immediately connected to Brian, so excited to see him, loving on him, talking to him, shared toys and were so happy. Through the books they read, they are able to understand that Brian is their brother but lives with us. I’m sure there will be questions along the way, but for now, they are aware and content with the information provided. They called us family and we’re already talking about seeing Brian in the future.

As for the adults, we grew even closer, recognizing what a special bond that has bought us together. It filled all of our hearts to see the boys together, watch the older boys give Brian kisses, pat his head and show him so much love. Becky and I talked about it, she expressed that she was surprisingly really ok and happy with the entire outcome, she didn’t feel any connection with Brian in the sense that it was her son, more that a good friend had an adorable baby. She later expressed that she couldn't have dreamed of a better home and family for Brian.

I’m sure there will be many more emotions that will come during different moments in Brian’s life, but again for now, we are all content with where we are as a family. We have discussed celebrating a holiday together, and have plans to meet at the beach in August.

As for adopting another embryo, Chris and I are content and feel that our family is complete at this point in time. We have no plans to go through any IVF process again. If we are blessed with some sort of a miracle along the way and I was to get pregnant naturally then we would be more than willing to love and raise that child, but have no intentions of trying to get pregnant, we just want to live our life as a happy family of 3!!!

I do believe that this was our path all along, I have always had this intuition that I would adopt, but I also wanted to carry a baby, it’s crazy how it all fell into place and worked out better then I could have ever dreamed of.

There is not one little tiny of piece of me that doesn’t feel like Brian’s Mama. I know so many people are scared that you won’t feel a bond, or won’t love the child like it is your own- but to me, he is my own. I already see expressions that are all me, and our bond is undeniable. This is the same for Chris, I know a lot of men are concerned about these feelings, I have asked and talked with Chris about it, but it’s clear to me every day how much love is between him and Brian. Again, this is only our experience, but Brian is our son, he will absolutely know that he has different DNA, but DNA does not define you or make a family. There are all kinds of families out there, I know ours is unique but I wouldn’t change a thing about it.


On a whole other note.... a lot of people have been trying to convince me to write a book... I would love to, but have no idea where is start!!! Anyone have experience? Know an editor or someone that you can connect me with?

Full ABCnews Documentary

The full documentary that was filmed by abc news was released in April 2019.

It was so great!!!

While it was really hard to watch myself on camera especially during the most difficult time of my life, it was worth it to bring awareness to infertility and all that us warriors go through.

Check out our story and 3 other families as we fight the fight for our babies.

Its called Modern Baby, you can watch online or Hulu.

https://abcnews.go.com/Health/ivf-redefined-modern-family/story?id=61969890

ABC Nightline

So one piece of our story that I haven’t publicly shared is that Chris, Brian and I are part of a documentary filmed by the digital abc news crew. We were never really sure what it would lead to so we didn’t share much except with close friends/family.

Well it appears that the time has finally come, ABC Nightline covered the story on their show on March 28th 2019. This is a 30 minute show, doing a much shortened version of our story as well as other families going through the struggle of IVF. The full documentary will be released at a later time.

When I decided to share my very personal struggle with all of you through my blog it was very much for me and to help the people around us understand our struggle. To my surprise, people became involved, people truly reached out to me, encouraged me and asked me to continue sharing our story. Along the away it became about awareness for myself, others struggling and the world of IVF, which has had its stigmas over the years. I made it personal for people instead of a “science project”.

So when we were presented with the idea of sharing our story to an even more public audience we decided this must be part of our path, a way to give our journey and even bigger purpose. It was difficult to share really hard times on film, but I’m also so proud that we were chosen to tell our story and help the world see what families are struggling with behind closed doors.

You can watch this episode (Modern Baby) on demand by clicking the link below or stream it on Hulu (under the TV show Nightline, episode called Modern Baby). 

https://abc.go.com/shows/nightline/episode-guide/2019-03/27-032719-modern-baby

Here are some pictures that The Dkol La Femme Project took during the filming of our transfer.

Our Birth Story

Our birth story is of course beautiful to me, but it literally was a very moving event that was filled with love. I told Chris in the recovery room, all I remember feeling was love from all around. The nurses, anesthesiologist, Dr Perkes (our amazing OB), Danielle and of course Chris had so much love in their hearts and talked to me the whole time about my son. It was more than I could have ever hoped for.

We arrived on Tuesday 1/22 evening around 5pm. We’re immediately brought to a delivery room, hooked up to machines and began talking about the induction process. Dr Perkes called the room to comfort me and reassure me that he shared all my information with the on-call Dr and that she would take care of me until he arrived in the morning. We decided to start with a drug called Cytotec that would help soften my cervix and shortly after a foley balloon catheter would be inserted into my uterus to force dilation to 4 cm. Honestly, in all that we have been through this was one of the most painful things I have yet to experience. So much that Chris almost passed out from watching me in so much pain. I kept this catheter in for over 12 hours, between that and the meds it was forcing me to contract ever 2-3 minutes all while trying to sleep to prepare for actual labor. I finally called for some pain meds in the middle of the night to try and sleep. They ended up making me a little silly, I laughed uncontrollably for about 10 minutes before passing out for an hour.

At 8am, the nurse came in and said “let’s get ready for a baby”. I was filled with hope and excitement, as well as fear but she reassured me that everything was going to work out. She forced me out of bed to brush my teeth, and began repositioning my hospital bed into a position to help force the baby down. We tried so many positions through out the day. Dr Perkes finally removed the catheter and checked to see how dilated I was, only 2 cm... so we began more medicine that would make the contractions more frequent and more intense. 6 hours later...still at 2cm and my little love still wouldn’t drop. This happened a few more times and I began to feel defeated with exhaustion. Chris kept me comfortable, massaging my legs, telling me over and over how proud he was of me and the room remained filled with love and positivity no matter how I was feeling. 

Dr Perkes began talking to me about other options and said we would decide around 11pm what we wanted to do. At the last check, I was still 2cm and contracting every 2-3 minutes for nothing to be progressing. Chris and I decided the best decision for us and our son was to move forward with c-section, we were both terrified of a major surgery, but we trusted Dr Perkes with everything that we have and knew he was the one meant to bring our son to the world, we told him our decision and reassured us that it was the right one. A few minutes later we were dressing for surgery and walking down the halls to the OR.

 
I entered with the nurses while Chris watched from the window. Dr Perkes held my hand while it took over 6 tries to get the epidural correct. Another painful and mentally exhausting moment. Once I was finally able to lay down, I felt sick to my stomach. Chris was immediately there talking me through it and rubbing my head while the anesthesiologist gave me a few shots of medicine to make the nausea subside.

 Dr Perkes continued to talk to me through the procedure and tell me how well I was doing. And then the words, “here comes your son” were said, followed by the most amazing cry you have ever heard. It felt like forever before I could finally see him up in the air, he was finally here. The nurses continued to talk out loud so I can hear them while cleaning him up, Chris went to Brian while another nurse stayed to comfort me. Chris yelled out how perfect he was.

Then the most amazing part was my son instantly knew me, when they brought him close to my face, he stopped crying and began kissing and sucking me all over my face. I cried in happiness while Chris held him on my chest. Like I said, a room filled with love.

In recovery, Dr Perkes came and was emotional over the whole event, he later told me it was the proudest delivery he ever had.

Brian Luke, you were always meant to complete our family. You have filled us with love and joy from the moment we you were implanted inside me, we are so blessed to be able to love you and share your life with you.

Check out our whole story from beginning to end on The Dkol La Femme Project.  We were able to document our whole story through pictures and at the same time share our story with others.  We helped bring some awareness to this very important issue of infertility.  Our story ends happy, but many do not, we are very aware of this and count our blessings every day. Head over to their site to see our story (much more pictures) and many more stories that are worth hearing. 

Been a while

Sorry it’s been so long. For some reason this was an area that I struggled in during my pregnancy. Writing about it, made it real on another level than was just too much for me to process at the time. Which is kind of strange when I look back and reflect on it, because most days I felt good- positive and hopeful, but for some reason I couldn’t find the energy to write about it. Maybe it was because I was actually in a happy place instead of a fearful, lost place. So for my readers that are still in that place, I hope that one day you become so happy that it’s hard to go back to those feelings. 

I will start by saying- I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy in January 2019. So don’t worry that I’m back writing because something terrible happened, just the opposite, I wanted to make sure I came back and continued my story for those that are still struggling and looking for that hopeful, happy ending. Well I’m here to tell you that it is possible, this is not to say that it wasn’t a really, mentally/emotionally exhausting struggle, even my birth and pregnancy came with struggles, but in the end it was all absolutely worth it! 

Picking up from the last post back in July 2018- I actually had another bleed right after that post (could also be another reason that I stopped writing). It was just as terrible. It was a Saturday night, so it landed us in the ER. We were there for a few hours and had to wait that whole time to know that our baby was okay! It was torturous!!! The radiologist is not allowed to say anything and she didn’t even turn the volume on so we couldn’t hear a heartbeat. Chris was so upset he got up and looked at the screen himself- thank God he told me he saw a heartbeat (radiologist was not happy but oh well!!) The Dr finally came to say that once again the baby was perfect and there was no explanation for the bleed. 

A few days later we finally saw our OB, in enters our Dr Perkes, he helped us so much throughout our pregnancy, a truly amazing person. 

Our pregnancy journey was also not an easy one... every single high risk factors that I could have I did! But it all ended up perfect. 

More on those details in future blogs.