Legacy of an Adopted Embryo

My amazing Donor Mom sent me this poem today.  It was shared in a Facebook group that she is in for Donors. I think its beautiful and plan to keep it forever. It made me tear up and feel so blessed to be on this path to motherhood.

Positive Appointment

I finally had a really positive monitoring appointment... no maybes, no questioning, just a "You're doing great, in fact excellent. See you next week". I have waited a long time to hear that! He also said to keep doing what I have been doing, so the relaxing and giving myself some self-care seems to be doing great things for me.  I am sure it also helps that I feel really positive and like I am finally on my path to be a Momma.

I wanted to share a little more about my personal experience of receiving these embabies. I have shared a lot of the facts, but not the personal story.  The connection that this donor family (I will keep their identity protected) and I have is amazing.  Honestly, its more about the donor mom and myself, we have done all of the communicating, although we both share it with our husbands. We have been connected since we first started communicating, we just "hit it off".  It's not something I could really explain, but I just had this great feeling and such a strong connection to her. We seemed to have so much in common in the right ways, our values seem to be similar, and on some level we both just felt like this was the right choice for both of us.

We have shared many emails, Facebook chats and text messages over the past few months. Some about our desires, fears and hopes for the future, some about specific details about the future, some about our families and some about nothing, just regular everyday friend talk. It's amazing, I have gained a friend who will always be family to us. She has honestly become one of my biggest cheerleaders, I share all my infertility ups and downs with her and she is nothing but supportive and positive that we are all making the right choice. It honestly gives me the goosebumps whenever I talk about our experience so far with anyone, this is how I know we are on our path to be parents, it all just finally feels right!

She always tries to explain to me that I am not the only one receiving a gift, she is as well, she now gets to know that her embryos will get a chance at life and when they become sweet little boys, she feels at peace knowing that Chris and I will be loving them every moment of everyday.  It's statements like this that tell me our future relationship with these amazing, generous people will be easy and natural.

We have not met in person, but are already more connected than most people are. She already has 2 boys, so our boys will be having 2 brothers and I honestly can't wait to watch them all grow up. Which is also something I want to share.  We 100% plan to tell our children their story from birth.  Of course the version of the story and details will evolve as it is developmentally appropriate, but they will always know that Mommy and Daddy needed some help from these amazing people to have them. I have done hours of research on this, and it is agreed on by many professionals as well as families that have personally experienced adoption, that it is always better to be honest from the beginning.  Let the child own their story, be proud of it and know how much they were loved.  I have even asked the donor family to make a book about their family so the boys can see it and we can read it to them.

For anyone that is going through infertility, I strongly encourage you to look into and research embryo donation/adoption, because it has completed my life. Even if, God forbid our transfers are not successful, I would still 100% recommend this path to someone who is struggling to conceive. DNA is only one small part of being a parent, the fact that I will get to carry a baby, bond with him from the beginning is such a blessing.

Here are some messages that I have received from the donor mom... just so you can get an idea of our connection, and how beautiful this process can be.

Preparing for the Transfer

We have a transfer date!!! December 13, 2017. I can't believe it!!

Basically in a sentence.... 1 embryo will be put inside and hopefully implant and I will be pregnant!!

So first comes all the hormone replacement/supplementation....

This is my protocol:

2 Estrogen patches every other day
2 Estrogen vaginal inserts a day

After 2 weesk I add the Progesterone to the protocol

2 vaginal inserts and 1 nasty injection of oil every night.

This protocol is different than preparing for the egg retrieval as I will stay on these hormones until we find out we are pregnant or not... if we aren't then I stop it all and get my period. If we are (which we will be) then I take all of the above for the first 12 weeks of pregnancy and possibly longer if the doctors think I need it...  So its going to be a VERY hormonal Holiday Season, but it will be so worth it!!

Again, as always with my life and the infertility world it has been an emotional rollercoaster getting to this point... I was supposed to start my protocol on Friday (11/24), but when I went for my suppression check (make sure the birth control did its job and nothing is happening in my ovaries), everything looked great....however I had not started to bleed from my period yet... so the doctor wanted to delay a day...sure no biggie... until he says and "if you don't bleed tomorrow, then we will have to cancel till next month"...wait...WHAT DID HE JUST SAY??? I didn't even know this was possible.. it always takes me like 6-7 days to bleed after the BC,  I would have said something earlier when I received my protocol had I known this was an option! But as usual, I was prepared for so many things... expect this one..

So now comes the excessive googling and searching infertility groups on what the hell to do to induce my period... after a hot bath, raspberry leaf tea and a good nights sleep... nothing... So after crying, I realize this is yet again something that is out of my control and I just need to accept it... its either not my time or we were meant to be delayed a day... so I went for a walk since it was 55 degrees in November... and decided to do some jumping jacks with one last attempt to "shake up my uterus" (oh the things we do to make a baby) and low and behold I started to bleed!! Never thought I would be so happy to see that when I have been TTC for over a year!!  I call the doctor and update him and he gives me the official word to start the protocol... crisis averted... until the next one!!!

But seriously, the rollercoaster is starting to take its toll on Chris and I, so we have decided to take it easy, relax and try to just enjoy each other.  Its very hard to keep yourself calm, positive and relaxed throughout your infertility process but my hope is to wake up every day and remember that I am loved by my husband, it is all out of my control anyway, and I WILL be a Momma one way or another. So much easier said then done, but I plan to give myself A LOT of self- love, self-care and self-compassion over this next month.  I also plan to give my husband all the rest of the love I have to offer because I often forget that he is going through all of this too... he may be stronger, more positive and always calmer than me,  but it is affecting him just the same.

Picking up the Boys!

Things are official!! We are the proud parents of 2 embryos! As a matter of fact, 2 male embryos! That's right I'm the proud Momma of 2 boys. But first I will walk you through the steps.

First- we needed to go through all the legalities.  It was actually fairly easy for the Donor family and Chris and I. We all agreed pretty easily. We just want whatever is best for the boys.  We hired our lawyer, they wrote up a "standard" agreement and then recommended a lawyer to the donor family at our cost. We all agreed to the terms and sign.. simple.. but took SOOO long!!

Next- comes all the "red tape" of NYS.  I have to say we couldn't LOVE our Fertility Clinic any more than we do.  They truly care about their patients and are beyond supportive.  They have helped me so much through this whole process. I have heard so many horror stories that embryo donations are just not possible in New York.  But they helped me through the process and were willing to put in extra work and steps on their end, all to make our dreams come true. Basically, its all about the testing that was done to donor families and the embryos, NY is very strict on this and wants to make sure the embryos are "safe" to cross into the state... which is a little bizarre considering their are already ours and going into my body willingly... but whatever.  It took many weeks of emailing back and forth before we were finally given the ok to get our babies.

Then comes the pick up! We decided again with the help and support of our clinic to go pick up the embryos ourselves! Which meant we would literally picked up a nitrogen tank from the office, drove to Morgantown, WV (thats right MORGANtown!!), went to the donor's clinic and they placed the embryos inside the tank and we drove back to NY.  This was about a 7 hour drive, so we left on a Sunday, picked them up Monday am and headed straight to our clinic.  The boys had a successful first car ride and remained perfect little snowflakes.

Here is a picture of our first family road trip.

Finding our little gift

Where do I begin... Chris and I have actively began our process of finding a beautiful family to donate their embryos to us, and to our surprise we believe we have already found them! For their privacy and all the children involved, I will not share specific details, but I will tell you about this amazing process so far.

First we began by posting our profile on 2 different websites that charge a small fee (to help run website and advertising).  These websites could be compared to an online dating site. We post our profile with all kinds of specific details about ourselves and our life together. We are called the "recipient families" and then the "donor families" post their own profile with details about themselves and the remaining embryos they wish to donate.  After setting up the profiles, I sent out a few emails to families that seemed like they had a similar family life.  A few families responded but most of them were not interested in moving further with us, due to our religious beliefs, basically since we do not belong to a church or have a dominant religion, people did not feel comfortable. I completely understand that they have their beliefs and want their children to be raised the same way. Some other people responded and we just didn't "click".

The main discussion between families quickly becomes about the future and what kind of adoption you want. As I have mentioned in the previous post, there are 3 kinds of adoption, closed, semi-open and open adoptions. Anyone that is on a site like this will most likely want at the very least a semi-open adoption as they will already know who we are.  Most of the families that responded to our profile were looking for a very open adoption, some were a little out of our comfort zone, mostly because it did not "feel" natural. They wanted the agreement to state a visit once a year (or more), constant communication and basically wants to be "best friends or extended family".  While it is not necessary the idea of this that makes us uncomfortable, its the idea that we "have" to.  My hope and wish is that we find a family that we naturally came to this agreement.  We would be raising their child's full sibling, we know we will meet eventually and hope that the children become close and be true siblings, which along the way the parents will become closer and grow with them.  It's a strange concept to wrap your mind around, however its also truly amazing. Our children will get to be so loved, and get to have more siblings than we would be able to give them!

Anyway, on to the good stuff. Then we received an email from an amazing couple. Things felt so right, and so natural.  We emailed back and forth, sharing details about our lives, past and our hopes for the future. We just "clicked" and it feels great. We all agree that its about the children, our hope is to give them the best lives getting to know each other in ways that we are all comfortable with and are developmentally appropriate. We have shared more pictures and have even become Facebook friends.

We have agreed to move forward with the process, Chris and I have contacted a reproductive lawyer and waiting to see what the next steps are. We are over the moon and it just feels like we are finally on the right path.

Embryo Donation

This will basically be an informative post about Embryo Donation. It can sound much more complicated than it actually is. Here is what wikipedia has to offer about it.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Embryo_donation

There are several ways to go about receiving this donation.

1. From a clinic- this would be anonymous- we would know almost nothing about the family, it would be a closed adoption (no contact) and most places have a year waitlist to receive the embryos.

2. From an agency- could be any kind of adoption, however they charge a significant fee and have strong requirements, some being religious beliefs and/or years of marriage- basically we don't qualify for this option.

3.  Independent- directly from a family- any type of adoption, although you will clearly know who each other are, more affordable and the opportunity to know much more information about all the families involved.


For many reasons the "independent" option work for us. We want to know the family we receive this unbelievable gift from, we want our future children to know their story and where they came from and we don't want to be giving money to someone who could be making a profit off of this amazing donation.

We want a semi-open to an open adoption. We feel that it is important for our children to know their whole story, all their truths and that they were beyond loved, so much that they were given the best chance at becoming a person. We feel its an important part of development to know where you came from, we don't ever want our children to think we have lied to them, so we plan to tell them the truth from brith.  Of course we will do it in a developmentally appropriate way, such as a cute storybook, picture books and a child version of their story.

We are still learning about the process, but will know more as we move along. We know that we will need to sign up for some websites, some Facebook groups, and get our information out there. If we find a family that we match with, then we move on to the legal process, which we are not exactly sure what it entails, but we are excited!!

Moving On

This is my new motto.... I will be a mother and it will be soon!

Monday we met with our Doctor to discuss our options. It went pretty much as expected.  He said he was comfortable being honest with us as he could tell we were ready and able to handle it. He explained that our best option to have a baby would be to use donor eggs.  He feels that with my very low AMH number, I have officially begun Premature Ovarian Reserve, which is what I have said many times before in the blog that my ovaries are much older than me. If a 45-48 year old woman went to a doctor and wanted to get pregnant, this is the kind of number they would expect to see from her. So yes, for those of you who want to say it can still happen, it can, but the point is as far as medical opinions are concerned, it would not be worth it to pay thousands of dollars for IVF since it is not really increasing our chances of success. My eggs are just not great quality, so if there is a good one left in there, pumping my body with medicine is not really increasing the chances of that egg finding its way to Chris's sperm, if that makes sense.

I have been told by a few people to get a second opinion, again, I absolutely know you mean well, because you have heard yet again another miracle story, where someone changed Doctors and got pregnant. However, there are also MANY clinics out there that wouldn't even work with me since my number is as low as it is, which is why I have been so devastated all along. Chris and I said all along we would do this once, it was really me that wanted to give it one shot, I wanted to see what my body could and would do, so I could know in my heart I did everything I could, but you can not change your biological clock, it just is what it is.  You have to understand how hard it was to even motivate myself the first time knowing how much the odds were stacked against me, but I wanted to believe my body could make a miracle too. I have not given up complete hope on it, I will continue to take care of it and learn to love it again, after all its the only body I have and I am now hopeful that I will just be able to carry a baby.

Chris and I heard what the doctor said about donor eggs, however we had already been doing our own research and have found another option that we are really excited about. Donor Embryos. To explain it as easy as possible, other families that have gone through IVF, completed their families and are fortunate enough to still have remaining embryos can donate these embryos to another family. It's really an incredible thing, its another family that literally experienced the same heartbreak, then were one of the lucky ones to come out successful able to give back to the other couples that are still struggling and give them the opportunity to be parents.  Chris and I fell in love with this idea, we love that we can carry and bond with a baby for 9 months and get to still experience all the things we hoped for, the only thing that would be different is genetics, which means nothing to us. We are both 100% ok with the idea of raising a child that is not genetically ours, in fact we are falling more and more in love with the idea that our children could have other siblings to know when they are older.

We know this is a very different thing for many people to understand and support, but it is our life and our choice. We encourage you to do some research on it, it truly is amazing and speaks to our soul. I will of course continue to write about our journey, therefore you as the reader will learn more about the process through us.

Not our time...

It has taken me a few days to even think of writing about these past few heartbreaking days.  I honestly struggled to sleep or even get out of bed, but I am now feeling much better (as much as I can be) and ready to begin exploring our next step options. That's what us Fertility Warriors do.. we keep fighting and don't give up until there is a sweet baby in our arms.

On Monday 7/31 (day 3) we got a phone call that our 2 perfect Embryos were still perfect, Grade 1, and there was 1 Embryo that was still fighting at a Grade 3.  We were so relieved, they said they wouldn't call until Day 5- Wednesday as they do not check the Embryos on Day 4.  On Wednesday, I honestly wasn't too nervous, I thought they have been perfect, they should make it to Blast, but I was way wrong...

The doctor called and told me we had 1 Embryo that was currently at what they like to see at Day 4, he/she had only around 30-40 cells and should be around 70 by this point, she explained that this can naturally happen and he/she may catch up...I remember taking a sigh and thinking this was the bad news and waiting for her to say the other 2 were still perfect...nope, she broke my heart and said "I'm sorry but the other 2 have stopped growing".  I honestly heard nothing after that. I hung up, called Chris and cried, he was in shock I could tell, he said he would finish a few things at work and leave early.  Of course I was about to drive home, now I had to somehow make it an hour in the car alone... I couldn't calm down, I had to call Chris and beg him to just leave work now because I needed to hear his voice until I got home, of course he did. After I made it home safely, he called the doctor and tried to find out more information, but I had heard most of it correctly.  She said we had a 50/50 chance of our remaining Embryo to make it until Day 6, if he/she did it could still be frozen and transferred in the future.  So we basically laid in bed all night just holding each other, I cried for hours, and Chris tried to be strong for us, I couldn't believe how much it hurt to loose something we never even knew yet, but what people don't understand is, it's already a baby to us,  we want it so bad that as much as we try not to, we already had our hopes up, we were already parents in our mind, I spent hours thinking of how those little babies were growing, hoping they were ok and that someone else was taking care of them so I could one day continue to do so.  It literally broke my heart to think it was already over... so much time, money and pain went into making these little guys and in a matter of days it was all over...

I couldn't sleep, I woke up in a panic every few hours and dreamed of our 1 little embryo, praying he/she was a fighter, and some how beat the odds.... but thats not what happen.  Surprisingly, I was able to stay calm during this phone call and ask some questions. The nurse explained that there is never really a definite answer as to why these things don't work out, but in her experience it could be that when our genes mix together we for some reason do not make a viable embryo.  She reminded me that we only had 4 mature eggs to work with and the odds were just not in our favor.  I told her I would like to see the Doctor next week for a follow up and wanted to start exploring our other options, I reminded her that all along we have said "We just want to be parents, we know it will be hard and sad, but we don't care how we get there, nothing is off the table, except trying the same thing over and over again looking for a different outcome".

Basically, as much as I would love to have a baby that is both mine and Chris's, I just want to raise a child with him, and he feels the same.  We already have a house filled with love, laughter and support, we want nothing more than to add a little peanut to that mix.  We know we will love any baby like it is our own, so why keep trying for our "own", when my success rate is so low... its not worth all this stress, pain and money to me just to say the baby is my genetics.  Genetics only mean so much in this world, they have nothing to do with being the parent that loves them everyday, helps them grow in to amazing human beings, it is just your DNA not what makes you a parent.

So now after I have had a few days to process and grieve, I am feeling optimistic again.  I know we will be parents one day soon, its just finding that right path to lead us there. For now, I will be extremely grateful that I wake up every day loved by my husband who feels exactly the same way I do about our situation, which I know is rare, and love him back just as much, while we pursue our dream of having a baby.

2 perfect Embabies!!!

OK I have A LOT to catch up on... its been a crazy weekend.

Friday morning 11am retrieval.  Chris drove me to the doctor, we sat with the nurse, signed more consents and went over the procedure.  She explained to Chris how to take care of me the rest of the day, getting plenty of rest, drink fluids and take my pain meds before I felt pain. We kissed in the hallway and off I went to get changed.  I was so nervous, but I decided to be super brave and I didn't cry!!

I changed into this hot outfit and went into the surgical room.

The only thing I remember is the nurse talking to me about my cute socks and thats it. Next thing I know I woke up in a different room and of course began bawling.... I was crying for Chris. Then the nurse I know better came in the room, held my hand, rubbed my head and kept asking what was wrong.  I told her I was scared and that Chris brought me hear because something was wrong... she continued to reassure me that I was fine in fact I did "soooo good", thats what she kept telling me until I calmed down.  Then I was able to eat a few cookies and drink some juice.  I still had no clue if we got any eggs or how many.... after checking my vials, I got to get up and get dressed.  I saw a text from Chris saying he was so happy, proud of me and I did so good.... still no clue what this meant... the nurse walked me to the bathroom and then told me I could meet with the doctor.

The doctor then told us the greatest news, he was able to retrieve 5 eggs!!!! I just started to cry again, but happy tears!! He explained that 3 were definitely mature and the other 2 were close behind.  He told us we would receive a call every day including the weekend until day 5 or 6 with an update on our eggs.  We left with smiles and tears, once outside we just hugged.  It felt like our miracle could actually happen.

I rested all night and got lots of sleep.  I drank my fluids and took my medicine.

On Saturday we got the call that 3 eggs fertilized and a 4th one was close... the embryologist said things were looking good.  He said he would continue to call with the updates.

On Sunday he called and told us we had "2 perfect Embryos" those were his exact words!!!!  It absolutely stinks that were are only down to 2 chances for a baby, but he said several times they were "perfect" and Grade 1 (see chart below). So we have 2 Embabies!!!!  Thats 2 miracles as of now... we just have to keep the faith that they will continue to grow and be strong like their parents!!

Here is some information about the process our little Embabies are going through and will continue to go through before they will be considered healthy enough to be transferred back inside me.  It is a very complicated and overwhelming situation that requires a lot of research to understand, but this is a quick visual to help you see that so much is happening in these 5 days.

This is what "Grade 1 Embryo" means... so we are doing great so far!!

The embryo grade refers to how the cells in the embryos look. A grade one embryo, for example, is one in which all of the cells are the same size and there is no fragmentation in the embryo. The system we use to grade embryo appearance is presented in the following table.

Embryo Grade	Description
Grade 1	Cells are of equal size; no fragmentation seen
Grade 2	Cells are of equal size; minor fragmentation only
Grade 2.5	Cells are mostly of equal size; moderate fragmentation
Grade 3	Cells are of unequal size; no fragmentation to moderate fragmentation
Grade 4	Cells are of equal or unequal size; fragmentation is moderate to heavy

Grade 1 through 2.5 embryos seem to have the greatest potential for developing to the blastocyst stage. However, a grade 3 embryo may also be of good quality if its appearance can be explained by asynchronous cell division rather than by poor development. We have published data showing that the number of cells in the day 3 embryo is a better indicator of potential than the grade of the embryo. Therefore, an 8 cell Grade 3 embryo would have better potential than a 4 cell grade 2 embryo on day 3.

Retrieve...Believe...Concieve

For those of you that are reading this to compare to your experience, I want to stress to you that literally EVERYTHING can change in between your monitoring appointments, so please do not loose hope!! Take a look at my monitoring appointments.

Wed 7/19- small follicles could barely be measured
Fri- 7/21- told might have to cancel- have 1 massive growth (probably a cyst), 2 smaller eggs, largest 13mm.
Mon 7/24- Large growth 28mm, 2- 19mm and one 13mm- things looking up told I could retrieve this week.
Wed 7/26- Large growth GONE!- follicles measuring at 23mm, 21mm, 19mm and 13mm- Maybe cyst popped or shrank, no way to tell until they get inside, however my estradiol dropped- so I think cyst disappeared and I may actually have 3 eggs!!- Doctor calls later and says pull trigger tonight and retrieval on Friday am after 14 days of taking medicine.


We pulled the trigger at 12:20am this morning!!! That basically means I took another shot early this am full of 10,000 iu of HCG to "trigger" my body to ovulate in 36 hours.  We both fell asleep and woke up in a panic... as you can see from our lovely picture.

 My retrieval is scheduled for the 35th hour at 11am on Friday morning.  A few people have asked me what exactly happens at the retrieval, well I will tell you what I know as of now...

Chris is going to produce his sample at home.  We then drive over the doctor, we are luck as it is only 5 minutes away, we need to arrive at 10:30am.  I will need to get changed and prepare for surgery. I will be receiving anesthesia and will be asleep through the process, but basically the doctor will go in with a needle using the ultrasound/camera machines to see and retrieve as many eggs as he can find.  We are really hoping for 3, but you never know... there could be less or more... its really freighting to think about! I will wake up a while later and eventually be able to go home... in the meantime the Embryologist will be making our miracles, hopefully all of the eggs that are retrieved will be fertilized with Chris's sperm, then they will become an embryo. Our little miracles will be watched over closely to make sure they are growing and maturing. Once they are 5 days old, a few of their cells will be sent to another lab for genetic testing, while the embryos are frozen,  and if they are all "normal" then we can schedule a transfer date in September where the embryo can be put back in my body in hopes they implant... this is basically the whole process... so as you can see tomorrow is a big day, and only the beginning of the process.

Thats the medical end of it... as for me, I'm doing my best to stay relaxed and positive. What is bringing me peace, is that one way or another we will get some answers tomorrow. I have literally given my whole self to this process, so I know I have already done everything that I can to help us make a baby and that NEEDS to be enough... the rest is out of my hands, what is meant to be at this point will be, and I know in my heart Chris and I will be stronger for it and move on to whatever is our next step.

I also bought myself this adorable, positive outfit to wear tomorrow. I figured it will help me feel relaxed, cute and happy, so why not!  It also came with a cute, positive note from the designer, which is always nice.  Thank you Lottie & Co from Etsy!!

One more thing for my fellow ladies that are just starting the process, this is a picture of my stomach after 10 days of injections, it looks worse than it feels... but it does hurt, I am bloated, nauseas and feel terrible.  I am having some difficulty making bowel movements and my stomach is kind of hard... I really hope after tomorrow I will feel better, but I just wanted you to hear and see how it affected me as I know this was a fear of mine going into the process...

Small Victories in the IVF game

Well... of course because I prepared myself all weekend for the cycle to be officially cancelled, I go in this am and the smaller follicles have grown to 19mm!!! So now... I have a 28mm (probably a cyst), 19mm, 19mm, and 13mm. Great news but still in the waiting game... waited all day for the doctor to call to discuss our options....

He finally called around 4:30 and I conferenced Chris into the call.  He basically told us that with my condition of a low AMH (0.5) I wouldn't produce a lot of eggs no matter what medicine protocol we were on.  He said the 2 were good, of course he hoped for more, but it is to be expected with my condition to only have a few eggs... he also reminded us that it only takes 1 good egg to make a baby.  He recommended that we continue the stims (medicine) and come back on Wednesday in hopes that the 13mm has caught up and possibly another smaller one would be closer by the time of retrieval.  We agreed to this... so for now its back to the shots and more waiting, hoping and praying my body does it's job.

The biggest thing about this process that nobody knows unless you have gone through it is all the tough decisions you have to make and its all for just a CHANCE to have a baby. There are no guarantees at all... so its completely a risk.  Chris and I discussed it and we have said all along, we are going to try this once with my own eggs... so we are all in... if this is the best my body can do with the help of medicine then all thats left to do is cross our fingers, hold hands and hope this gives us a healthy baby.


I also want to say, that I decided to share my blog publicly with our entire friends and family this weekend.  I was very scared to do so, but I couldn't be happier about my decision.  I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can be myself around everyone I know. I received messages and comments from strangers sharing their experience and thanking me for sharing mine.  It makes it all worth it if I can help anyone or just let them know they are not alone.  Every woman knows, we shame ourselves and some times other women way too much, we need to break the silence and support each other regardless of our opinions. There are quite a few people that have said nothing, and thats ok too.  I understand not everyone can understand this process, but my hope is the more I speak and share the more that they will, and if not then, oh well.  As I have said before, this is OUR story and OUR struggle and all we can do is make OUR decisions together, as long as we are comfortable and happy with them, that's all that matters.  So, if you are struggling with infertility, I encourage you, share your story, there is freedom in truth, plus knowledge is power and eliminates some ignorance.

Not responding so well

Well today just flat out sucked!

My 2nd scan appointment was this morning and it didn't go so well. But first I will tell you about my 1st scan so you can get an idea of how quick things change in the process of IVF. On Wednesday, I went in to the office with high hopes but my scan showed that I only had two follicles at size 11mm and a few smaller follicles.  The doctors didn't say much, but I knew that I should have had more follicles and they should be bigger after 6 doses of the medicine. The doctor told me to add another shot in the mix the following night and come back Friday morning to see if they have grown and how much.

Now on to today, I went in scared out of my mind, the nurse brought me to the room and the main doctor of the practice came into the room. I knew this couldn't be a good sign, I had never seen him before.  He introduced himself and then jumped right into it. He basically said I was not responding well to the medicine and he would do what he could to help me be successful.  He then performed an ultrasound and found one huge follicle on my right ovary measuring at 26mm, another one at 13mm and another at 9mm.  He said the large one was too big (not a viable egg, possibly a cyst), which brings me back to 2. So somehow.... 1 follicle had grown 15mm and the others barely grew... so frustrating and confusing.

He recommended taking the same doses of medicine all weekend and coming back Monday to make a decision about cancelling the cycle, or seeing if a Miracle happened and the smaller eggs grew or better yet had more eggs.

This whole process is emotionally exhausting, your constantly battling to be positive, strong and brave when all you want to do is cry... which is what I did today.  I barely made it out of the office, I had to put my sunglasses on to check out.  I came home and cried hysterically for an hour.  I can't explain the sadness and disappointment.  Nevermind the physical strength I have put in over the past 8 days, the shots are killing my stomach with bruises and burning sensation, I'm nauseas all day and feel like crap and now it may all be for nothing.

I knew this was a possibility since my diagnosis is known to have "poor responders" but since my last IUI was more successful with a few follicles I thought I would at least make it to retrieval before it had a chance of being cancelled. I feel like a failure, but I know in my heart that it is not my fault and this is just the way my story is supposed to go.

Chris called the doctor office as he usually does since I usually become too emotional to talk.  He found out that if they cancel the cycle on Monday, the money we have paid can go to the next cycle, or if we decide to move on to another option we can get a refund. We plan to sit down with the head doctor and get his opinion on our success rate and if he thinks another medicine protocol could result in a different outcome or if this is just what I can expect with my diagnosis.

We spent the rest of the night together, I cried many times while he held me and told me over and over again that we will be parents, we just need to figure out "how".  I know I am blessed to have him, his love and support and tonight that needs to be enough.  Monday, we will keep moving forward and make more tough decision together, but this weekend we will relax and enjoy the summer sun.

First night of shots

Well... we have made it to day 5 of medicine!!  This clomid is terrible!!! It has made me nauseous since Sunday, which was my birthday by the way.  So I am kind of happy to be moving on to the shots, hoping that the waves of nausea will subside.

Other than that, I have just been tired, which is typical.  I am still keeping up with my acupuncture 2 times a week and trying to eat healthy. I have been having a fertility smoothie every morning, with kale/spinach, avocado, vanilla protein powder, and blueberries.

Here is a picture of my lovely husband mixing up my Menopur for my shots tonight.  I already took the Follitism.

And then here he is prepping the needle... not too bad.. right?

The Menopur definitely burns going in, but fortunately for me it subsides after a few seconds.  I didn't cry at all this time which is bittersweet as I guess I am getting used to this.  I am still deathly afraid of what the Doctor will tell us on Wednesday for our first monitoring appointment.  I am hoping that it will be good new, hopefully they see at least a few follicles growing in there.... cross your fingers for us!!

New Beginnings and Getting Organized

 7/12/17- First Baseline....

First clear scan in months!! No cysts at all! Let's hope this is a great sign of positive things to come!

So this means I am officially cleared to start my meds tomorrow. My protocol is as follows:

Clomid 200mg for 5 nights

On the 5th night start Follitison 225 units and Menopur 150 units

I go back for my next monitoring appointment on 7/19 and some things may need to be adjusted or added.  I have another appointment on 7/21.  At some point Ganrelix will be added to help slow down  ovulation, but keep my eggs growing.  Then I will be told to "pull the trigger" and take an additional shot to start ovulation, 36 hours later I will go in for the surgery.  Chris will come with me and give his specimen and he will be there when I wake up.

My retrieval will be the week of 7/24.

I am really excited, nervous and scared.  I am feeling a little better after sitting down with a nurse today.  I asked a million questions and she loved my organizational skills.  I told her I found a lot of the questions and tips on the Facebook support groups that I was a part of, so I couldn't take all the credit.

I made myself a calendar so it was easier to see my meds for the day using Word Calendar. See Below:

Then, I organized my meds in drawers on my dresser and posted some positive quotes and the calendar, so I can easily find everything when it is time for my medicine. I also set a timer on my phone so we will not get distracted and forget to take them!! My Doctor says its very important for them to be administered at the same time every night. 

I thought the positive quotes would give me something to look at and focus on while giving myself the shots.  

Here is what my dresser looks like... this is our life for the next 2 weeks, but in the end it will all be worth it! 

Officially starting IVF

Well I got the call, my cysts are small, my hormones are good.. so we are approved to begin IVF on July 12th... yep less than a week...How did this happen???

I'm hoping it's all a sign that things are meant to be and move along at this pace.  I am just trying to breathe and "Trust the Timing of My Life"... these are words that I try very hard to live by when I am feeling impatient.  I used to say them to myself every morning before I met Chris. It felt like it was a million years that I waited to be loved, but thank God that I did and my path led me to him.

Last night, Chris and I set out all the financial paper work from our clinic and discussed the pros and cons to each of our choices.  We decided to go with a 1 cycle plan and pay for additional genetic testing... this testing will help the doctors choose the best embryos to put inside me.  I have researched this a lot and it seems very much worth the extra money.  I have read women talk about their experiences of having 8 embryos and then do testing only to find out 3 would have had a chance to become a live birth... thats a big difference, that could have been 5 miscarriages! Besides the time and money that would be saved, I couldn't imagine loosing that many babies, I am not sure I am strong enough for that.

My doctor is calling in my medicine and trying to help me find the cheapest pharmacy, since our insurance does not cover anything. It literally blows my mind that in this day and age a huge cooperation such as The Home Depot, doesn't cover IVF or any infertility treatments... there are many companies out there that do.  I have heard that Starbucks covers it and I have seriously considered applying and working there 20 hours a week, but I figure the stress of adding more to my plate would only counteract things!!

On a whole other note, I read this article yesterday and thought I would share it here.  It really goes to show that infertility affects all types of women and it gives some great advice on just listening to friends or family members that are experiencing this...

The author, a fellow woman living through infertility treatments writes "This journey has humbled me beyond anything...When in the past I might have immediately offered advice to "fix" the problem, I now understand the true gift of listening. No well meaning suggestions, no judgement. Just listen."  

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/nikki-bergen/ending-infertility-shame_a_22583474/

This is what I was talking about the other day, its normal to feel like you want to give advice and help "fix" the problem, but when it comes to this particular situation, nobody knows what it's like unless you have been through it, so telling me some fantasy story that you have heard like "Oh I hear when you stop trying it happens, or I'm sure as soon as you adopt you''ll get pregnant"... its not helpful. TRUST ME... I have read and researched millions of stories, some positive and happy and some heart-breaking and the truth is I don't know and you certainly don't know which way my story is going to go... so please don't fill my mind with a fantasy, because I want to believe it to, but I also need to be realistic and listen to my doctor.

Plus, when you say things like this, it makes me feel like you do not understand or respect the decisions that I am making, and that hurts because I have put so much time, stress and tears into my decisions. I'm trying to do what is best for Chris and I, what will make us happy, what we are comfortable with, because in the end we are what matters and all we want is our families to love and support us.

People need to think before they talk!

This will be a quick short post because I need to vent.  Today I had a lady come to my house to buy some patio furniture.  She was a complete stranger.... she insisted on talking to me about becoming a mother, now of course I know this woman has no idea what I am currently experiencing, but I just want to give people insight into what it is like to be a women in your 30's struggling to have a baby.  As I have mentioned before, women just do this.. they give you advice when you really don't care for it.. they talk to you like they know your situation when in fact none of us know each others pain or stress.

Anyway, she goes on to ask me flat out if I have any children, I smile and reply "not yet, but we are trying", hopeful that this will shut her up, take the furniture and leave.  Nope, of course not... she goes on to say, "Oh really, we tried for years" for a quick moment I thought maybe this was a god sign, maybe she was sent here to give me some hope... nope wrong again.. she goes on to tell me that she tried for over 10 years and she really never wanted to try that thing called "IVF"... then continues to say but my husband finally convinced me to try it, so I went to a doctor got all that horrible testing and was about to start IVF the next cycle, but there was never another cycle, I got pregnant... Thank god because I would have never wanted to do all that just to have a baby... it was all I could do to not punch her square in the face.. thank god it wasn't last week when I had all the hormones in me.. Chris may have been bailing me out of jail!

Now, I again understand this is not a negative story she told me, she meant nothing by it.  But my point is... I basically told you were are trying.. for all she knew I could have been trying for years already, I could have been currently going through IVF or I could be waiting to see the doctor first thing in the morning to see if I could begin IVF. We need to be more sensitive as women and be careful what we say... this isn't just about this particular situation, I hear mother's say all the time they feel judged by their peers. Some people just feel the need to assume they know about your situation and then give you unsolicited advice about it.

My advice for the day... think before you speak... could this upset the person, am I making assumptions about their life and then opposing my opinions on them???

On to Plan B

Wednesday June 28th 2017, I woke up and decided to take a home pregnancy test so I could be prepared to talk to the doctor when she called later in the day.  The test was negative, which I already knew on some level, but still felt like someone punched me in the gut.  I went to the doctor around 7:30am for my bloodwork.  She called around 3:30 and confirmed that I was not pregnant.

We moved on to Plan B and began the discussion about IVF.  This is where I stimulate my ovaries to try and get as many eggs as possible, then the eggs are taken out of my body through a minor surgery, and then fertilized with Chris's sperm, if they form into embryos and survive for 3 or 5 days then we can freeze them and begin the process of putting them back in to my uterus. It sounds complicated but it also sounds like it wouldn't take that long.  Its actually a minimum of a 3 month procedure.

She told me I needed to come in to the office on July 5th, so we could check for cysts, run bloodwork and see if my body was ready to begin this month.  She called in a prescription for birth control as I would need to take it for cysts or to suppress my hormones before beginning IVF.  If we are lucky and I did not grow cysts this month, I would start the medicine on July 12th, with IVF you take the medicine for longer since you are trying to grow the maximum about of eggs, then the retrieval will be some time during the week of July 24th and then IF they are fertilized and grow into embryos they will be transferred to my body in September... you need to take a month off in between to let your body relax and come down from all the hormones you just pumped inside it.   This is all best case scenario.

There are so many things that I am scared to death about.  I'm scared that my body will only produce 2 eggs, in which case they would cancel as there isn't any point removing such a small amount of eggs.  I'm scared the eggs that I do produce will be of a poor quality.  I hope we get enough embryos to due a genetic screening... this will cost more, but it helps tell you which embryos are the best quality and would give you the best chances for a live birth, I'm not sure I could handle a miscarriage after finally hearing I was pregnant. I am of course scared of all the medicine and pain and discomfort they will lead me to.  But most off all Im scared of spending all our money on this and failing.  Its hard enough already feeling like a failure when my body won't work the way it should.

I know these are just fears and some of them may come true and I will be strong enough to get through it.  But I would be lying if I said it doesn't scare me so much that I cry every day over it. These are the words I try to live by...

Shots...Shots....Shots!

This round was nothing like the previous round... these were real needles, medicine that needed to be mixed and then injected into my stomach. I made the mistake (but I had to) of watching the instructional video.  I freaked out and start bawling when I saw the needle in the video.  It was HUGE like something you would see on TV.  Chris kept telling me over and over again to calm down there wasn't any needles that big in our supplies, but I wouldn't believe him.  He finally got me to calm down saying he would do all the prep while I was in the bathroom taking a shower, and then I could just come in and get it over with.  So, this is what we did... well tried...  Honestly, I was better than last time, it only took me about 10 minutes to actually do it. I screamed and then smiled, and then started crying again... lol... it's just so overwhelming and so many emotions rage through you, well it did for me at least. Nevermind the burn you feel with Menopur, lucky I have a lot of cushion around my belly area (I knew it would come in handy one day), so I don't seem to feel it as bad as others, but it definitely burns going in. After, I just lay down and try to relax and think positively.

This month I took the stims for 6 days. I had a timer set on my phone and where ever Chris and I were we needed to take these shots.  On June 9th, my mother went in for a minor, routine surgery, well long story short it became a mess and we spent the entire day and night in the hospital, Chris was able to find a nurse that allowed us to use a room to administer the medicine, talk about "relaxing" right???  The following 2 days, once my mother was up and moving around and back to herself, we went to a Country Festival that had been previously planned, where we needed to leave, go to the car and take the medicine in the parking lot by the car, this was just one of the many things we would need to get used to with this new lifestyle.

 I can't imagine if I didn't have my husbands support through all of this.  For the most part, the medicine just made me really tired, bloated and just feeling yucky.  I also would sweat like crazy and feel constantly hot.  I didn't have any bruising from the needles and Chris swears my personality didn't change much, which was nice to hear because I was practicing a lot of self control, there were many days that I wanted to scream at anyone and everyone at the top of my lungs!!

The one thing I noticed was I couldn't remember anything and I struggled to focus... my mind was always somewhere else and this is not like me at all.  I definitely struggled to remember small details, and as always I cried way more, probably once a day for one reason or another.  I am very sensitive as it is, but the meds really make emotional or maybe its just the whole experience.

On Monday June 12th I went in for a monitoring appointment and confirmed that we had 2 mature eggs with another very close behind.  The doctor called later in the day and instructed that I take the trigger shot (to force ovulation) at 11pm and then come in Wednesday the 14th for our IUI.

This time I went in by myself, Chris needed to work, which is of course understandable.  The procedure went alright and I spent the day home resting with my legs up praying all of this would work.

I stayed pretty calm for most of the TWW (two week wait) although I just had this gut feeling that it didn't work and I couldn't shake it. I tried to stay positive, went to acupuncture 2 times a week and finished up my school year.

This would be our last IUI so it was bittersweet, I was extremely hopeful that there would be a baby growing inside, all while my thoughts kept going back to the next steps.  My biggest challenge with all of this is trying to stay in the moment, which I probably will not be able to truly due until I am pregnant, and then I will probably be just waiting to hold my sweet baby in my arms.

Go Away Cysts!!!

I took the Birth Control for the recommended 2 weeks.  I also started my new regimen of vitamins/supplements. Its a long list, so I am going to post it with pictures on the bottom, for any ladies that may be reading this for information.  I know I have looked on the internet for hours trying to figure out what supplements to take, how many mg, how many times a day and what brands... its impossible!! I consulted with my doctor about all that I am currently taking, some she could care less about and some she gave me very specific suggestions. As of now I can't tell if you anything is actually working and improving my egg quality but I will update it through out my process.

On May 22nd I went back in for a follow-up.... cysts were still there and too big to continue with any treatment. Doctor recommended finishing the Birth control pack and coming back after my period, she suggested that the bleeding from my period will help get rid of the cysts.  So off I went again to wait some more.

During this time I researched over and over again.  I read more and more stories and I just can't begin to explain to anyone that has not experienced this first hand what it feels like. It's completely overwhelming no mater how logical you are, no matter how much support you have and no matter how much you try to "relax".  I have hours where I don't think about having a baby at all, I'm completely distracted by other things in our life and then I have other moments where I start crying uncontrollably out of nowhere. I want to be a mother so bad and its really hard to feel like I won't be, then I remind myself that I will be one way or another and the cycle goes on and on.

I started to "spot" on Friday June 2nd, so the doctor had me come in. Again I can't say enough about my doctor so far, she constantly responds to me emails and has been very supportive. I went in and the cysts were still there... which was to be expected since I hadn't fully bled yet, but with the weekend coming we decided to be safe and check anyway.

Over the weekend I had a bad period with lots of cramping, so I went in for another appointment first thing Monday morning and the cysts had shrunk significantly!! Yeah!! We can finally start another round of meds for an IUI!

It was a small victory, but at least we are moving forward. Now I had to get ready to give myself some shots!!



List of Supplements

1. Thera Natal OvaVite- this is expensive- it has a very high quality Prenatal and 2 CoQ10 pills of extreme quality.  You have a 3 month supply shipped to you with automatic refills.  Here is the link and check with your doctor as they may have a code to save you some money- or find a way to contact me and Ill give you the code I have.  I take these 3 pills every morning- warning they are huge.

https://www.theralogix.com/sp/theralogix-theranatal-ovavite/

2.  Fish Oil 1000mg, 300mg Omega-3- I take 1 in the am and 1 at night. Also huge pills.

3. DHEA 25- this is also from theralogix- my doctor says its high quality and absorbs faster- this is the number one supplement recommended for anyone with low amh numbers- research it if you haven't read about it yet.  Each capsule is 25mg, its recommended to take 1 pill 3 times a day- I struggled to remember the afternoon pill since it was the only one I needed to take, so I take 2 in the am and 1 at night.  Here is the link, it also comes in a 90 day supply.

https://www.theralogix.com/sp/dhea-25/

4. Omega-3 Flaxseed Oil 1000mg- I take 1 in the am and 1 in the night- also huge pills

5. Inositol- this one was recommended to me by a friend- it promotes healthy cell membrane so she believes it helped her through her IVF process.  I take 1 each morning.

Consultation

The following Monday we went in for a consultation with the Doctor and the financial manager. The Doctor had no answers as to why the IUI hadn't worked.  She didn't think we should jump to IVF just yet, but suggested that we really "up" the medicine to stimulate my ovaries and see if we could get more than 1 mature egg.  The medicine was called Menopur and could also be the medicine I could take during IVF, so it would show us how my body could respond to IVF. She also did a baseline since I had gotten my period over the weekend, which turned out to be a problem.  I had grown cysts from the last round of medicine. Turns out they were pretty huge. She recommended that I take Birth Control.. yep how ironic??? The BC is known to stop all the hormones your body is producing or might have left over from fertility treatments which will cause the cysts to shrink.  I was so upset, but this is common. She hoped they would be gone in 2 weeks and we could start a new cycle then.  She also informed me that the office had a lot of Menopur from sales representatives and such, and asked if we wanted them.  Of course we said yes!!

The next meeting with the financial manager went as to be expected.  She gave us the break down for the different IVF steps, medicine and the other little things in between.  On average it was going to cost between 15,000-20,000 when all was said an done.  Which is crazy, but actually lower than we thought.  The difficult part is thinking about spending all that money and then not having it work!!  Chris did most of the talking and explained that we really just wanted to be parents.  We have no plans of spending 100's of thousands of dollars on trying a million times.  We wanted the most direct route to having a child, even if that meant telling us we had little to no chance of having our own child.  The doctor and manager insisted that we have a good chance with IVF but respected our wishes to not want to keep trying on hope, so they recommend doing everything right the first time and then there is option to move on to Donor Eggs if we discover my eggs are of poor quality once they are out of my body. I asked flat out..." Are you giving me all these meds for free because you feel like it won't work and its just part of the Doctor's process to see how my body responds?" The manger, said well not exactly, but your pretty smart and yes its a process, the doctor needs to see and know how I will respond to give me the best chance during IVF.

Chris actually made the manager tear up by talking about his love for me and to start a family together. He expressed that he knew in his heart we were meant to be parents and we just wanted to get to that step.  He also expressed that he couldn't watch me go through so much emotional pain each month if there was really only a little chance of us getting pregnant. He told the lady that I was strong and could handle the truth, but they continued to insist that we had a chance and we wanted nothing more than to believe it.

So home we went, Chris picked up my birth control and was outraged to discover our insurance completely covered it... yep they will pay 100% for BC but nothing to help you have a child... I broke out in tears again... but took the pill anyway, and yet again another 2 week wait. I also started acupuncture during this time to help with the cyst, balancing hormones and my stress level, which is also not covered by our insurance. Oh well... one day when I am holding my child this will all be worth it... right???