Grief

I have to admit, I am having a much harder time accepting this loss and moving forward than anything else I have experienced in life. I cry ALL THE TIME.  For the first two weeks I literally cried all day long, I would have a few moments where I was able to be distracted and then BAM something would make me think about it. I have talked to other women that have experienced this pain of failed transfers, miscarriages and the infertility struggle and they all say that this pain is the same.  You lost a child, you lost the thought of the child that you already love with everything that you have.  It is very hard to pick yourself up and move forward, but in the end you have to.  You have to find a way to be ok, to remember why you are on this journey and to begin to have hope for the next time. 

I am trying to heal my soul.  I am trying to take some time, and listen to myself.  Not control everything, not try to find an answer because believe me that is all that I want to do, but try to be in the moment and feel what my soul needs to feel. 

I have done some research and spoken to my doctors about additional testing which will soon follow. But we made the decision that we are not ready to jump back into another cycle, that we need some time to heal.  So I am trying to heal. 

I have started to use more meditation and relaxing thoughts to soothe me.  I was having terrible nightmares for weeks and couldn't sleep.  As soon as it was time to sleep I would start to feel anxious,  my subconscious is still struggling and needs more time to process this loss. During the day, I am able to rationalize and calm myself down, but in my sleep I am struggling.  I have always been a vivid dreamer, but these nightmares are terrible.  I am always loosing a baby in one way or another, of course miscarriages, other failed transfers, but also just loosing a child in a mall, or having them kidnapped, or dying at an older age... its just terrible.  So I started to listen to some meditation to help me fall asleep and calming sounds to help soothe my subconscious and it is working.  I am still very sad and cry more than I would like to admit, but I am also feeling a little better. 

I have to keep reminding myself that we are on this journey for a reason and we need to be grateful for that. We are growing closer with every obstacle, we are learning more about each other through the process and with every loss we want a baby more.  So I know this is something that we both want with all of our heart and soul and all I can do is have hope that it will happen for us in one way or another, the hard part is the waiting, being patient and staying in the moment. Let's just say I am work in progress, but I am strong and I will find my strength again.