My 2nd scan appointment was this morning and it didn't go so well. But first I will tell you about my 1st scan so you can get an idea of how quick things change in the process of IVF. On Wednesday, I went in to the office with high hopes but my scan showed that I only had two follicles at size 11mm and a few smaller follicles. The doctors didn't say much, but I knew that I should have had more follicles and they should be bigger after 6 doses of the medicine. The doctor told me to add another shot in the mix the following night and come back Friday morning to see if they have grown and how much.
Now on to today, I went in scared out of my mind, the nurse brought me to the room and the main doctor of the practice came into the room. I knew this couldn't be a good sign, I had never seen him before. He introduced himself and then jumped right into it. He basically said I was not responding well to the medicine and he would do what he could to help me be successful. He then performed an ultrasound and found one huge follicle on my right ovary measuring at 26mm, another one at 13mm and another at 9mm. He said the large one was too big (not a viable egg, possibly a cyst), which brings me back to 2. So somehow.... 1 follicle had grown 15mm and the others barely grew... so frustrating and confusing.
He recommended taking the same doses of medicine all weekend and coming back Monday to make a decision about cancelling the cycle, or seeing if a Miracle happened and the smaller eggs grew or better yet had more eggs.
This whole process is emotionally exhausting, your constantly battling to be positive, strong and brave when all you want to do is cry... which is what I did today. I barely made it out of the office, I had to put my sunglasses on to check out. I came home and cried hysterically for an hour. I can't explain the sadness and disappointment. Nevermind the physical strength I have put in over the past 8 days, the shots are killing my stomach with bruises and burning sensation, I'm nauseas all day and feel like crap and now it may all be for nothing.
I knew this was a possibility since my diagnosis is known to have "poor responders" but since my last IUI was more successful with a few follicles I thought I would at least make it to retrieval before it had a chance of being cancelled. I feel like a failure, but I know in my heart that it is not my fault and this is just the way my story is supposed to go.
Chris called the doctor office as he usually does since I usually become too emotional to talk. He found out that if they cancel the cycle on Monday, the money we have paid can go to the next cycle, or if we decide to move on to another option we can get a refund. We plan to sit down with the head doctor and get his opinion on our success rate and if he thinks another medicine protocol could result in a different outcome or if this is just what I can expect with my diagnosis.
We spent the rest of the night together, I cried many times while he held me and told me over and over again that we will be parents, we just need to figure out "how". I know I am blessed to have him, his love and support and tonight that needs to be enough. Monday, we will keep moving forward and make more tough decision together, but this weekend we will relax and enjoy the summer sun.
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