On to Plan B

Wednesday June 28th 2017, I woke up and decided to take a home pregnancy test so I could be prepared to talk to the doctor when she called later in the day.  The test was negative, which I already knew on some level, but still felt like someone punched me in the gut.  I went to the doctor around 7:30am for my bloodwork.  She called around 3:30 and confirmed that I was not pregnant.

We moved on to Plan B and began the discussion about IVF.  This is where I stimulate my ovaries to try and get as many eggs as possible, then the eggs are taken out of my body through a minor surgery, and then fertilized with Chris's sperm, if they form into embryos and survive for 3 or 5 days then we can freeze them and begin the process of putting them back in to my uterus. It sounds complicated but it also sounds like it wouldn't take that long.  Its actually a minimum of a 3 month procedure.

She told me I needed to come in to the office on July 5th, so we could check for cysts, run bloodwork and see if my body was ready to begin this month.  She called in a prescription for birth control as I would need to take it for cysts or to suppress my hormones before beginning IVF.  If we are lucky and I did not grow cysts this month, I would start the medicine on July 12th, with IVF you take the medicine for longer since you are trying to grow the maximum about of eggs, then the retrieval will be some time during the week of July 24th and then IF they are fertilized and grow into embryos they will be transferred to my body in September... you need to take a month off in between to let your body relax and come down from all the hormones you just pumped inside it.   This is all best case scenario.

There are so many things that I am scared to death about.  I'm scared that my body will only produce 2 eggs, in which case they would cancel as there isn't any point removing such a small amount of eggs.  I'm scared the eggs that I do produce will be of a poor quality.  I hope we get enough embryos to due a genetic screening... this will cost more, but it helps tell you which embryos are the best quality and would give you the best chances for a live birth, I'm not sure I could handle a miscarriage after finally hearing I was pregnant. I am of course scared of all the medicine and pain and discomfort they will lead me to.  But most off all Im scared of spending all our money on this and failing.  Its hard enough already feeling like a failure when my body won't work the way it should.

I know these are just fears and some of them may come true and I will be strong enough to get through it.  But I would be lying if I said it doesn't scare me so much that I cry every day over it. These are the words I try to live by...